Fate : Season's Road : Einzbern Wedding Panic
by Jyoohan
Summary: Ilya is the star in this wacky spin off as the Characters from fate foil the Einzbern's plan to steal Shiro. Think of this as an OVA. -Afterword- After many different reasons... there's a sequel!
1. Part A

**Fate-Season's Road**

"**Spring Project"**

**By Jyoohan**

**Original Creators**

**Type-Moon**

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**Einzbern Wedding Panic – Part A**

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-**Interlude-**

"Hello everyone, I'm back!" The author walked into a homely looking Japanese room belonging to the Emiya household, a cheery smile on his face, but silence greeted him. Many faces stared at him in wonder and finally someone asked.

"Who the hell are you?" Rin asked bluntly, making the author's head fly back like he was shot by a bullet between the eyes. An arch of crystalline tears streamed the air, a glimpse of a rainbow among the gobbles of tearful twinge.

"What the hell kind of greeting was that?! Don't you know who I am?" The author screamed.

"Oh yeah, the guy who mysteriously disappeared for over two months (Gae Bolg), who also have been playing too much video games (Excalibur) and been goofing off almost every other day (Berserker's axe-sword), am I close, should I continue?"

"Stop-stop, it hurts!" The author seethed in imaginary pain as each of Rin's words stabbed at his ego, various noble phantasms embedded into the author's back. But before the author could recover from his big pinch, A little white fairy jumps on top of him, knocking the air out of his lungs.

Ilya jabs a finger into the author's face and said, "Enough! Get on with the story already! I finally get to shine in the spot light as the main heroine, and I'm going to enjoy every second of it! And onii-chan is going to be all mine finally, tee-hee." Ilya begins to giggle madly, her wild feet kicking the author.

"Well the good news is that this crazy man isn't interested in Saber and/or Rin anymore." Every stare turned to Archer and his incredible statement. An ominous silence pierced the atmosphere. Quiet enough to hear a sweat drop hit the tatami floor mat.

"A-Archer… what did you say?" Shiro stuttered.

Everyone's stare slowly shifts to the author, still pinned under Ilya. The look of astonishment and confusion are a little exaggerated in the author's perspective. "What? I think she's way better than Saber or Rin." That ignorant comment set something off inside of both Saber and Rin's head.

"Not to mention the fact that she's not even a character from Fate Stay Night." Archer added.

"Oh, really? So what does she have that we don't?" Rin challenged.

Saber also opined, "Yes, what do we lack of?"

"Well for starters she has a big gun and—

And the interlude ends here before the author meets a premature end from a pair of pissed off ladies that would… you know what can happen.

**-Interlude Out-**

The grounds were decorated in complete white, ribbons and flowers placed almost everywhere. A grand audience waited in anticipation for the bride, while Shiro soaked his crisp tuxedo in sweat. He stood by the altar still unable to think of a way to escape, let alone getting out of here alive if he dared to try such an attempt.

This was a mistake after all, a complete misunderstanding, but everything that led up to this hour made no coherent sense, so it didn't even really matter whether he objected or not. Shiro sneaked a glance behind him. A tall foreign man with an air of dominance smiled like he was about to win a great battle or war.

The organ's music snapped Shiro attention to the immense arch doorway of the Einzbern Castle, a soft wedding song filling the atrium. That's right; the Einzbern Castle has been specially renovated to hold this holy event.

The towering wooden doors creaked open, revealing a petite form with her face covered by a veil. The grand audience stood up like a tidal wave, giving a short round of applause as the bride got closer to the altar.

With every step, Shiro could feel the lump in his throat growing bigger and bigger. It wasn't supposed to be like this. All he wanted was to be at home and make breakfast for Saber. And speaking of Saber, where is she? There's no way that Saber would let this event pass over without a fight, or would she?

"And do you, Emiya Shiro, take…" The reverend's word faded away as Shiro phased out of reality, reliving what happened just yesterday…

**-Earlier this morning, Emiya Residence-**

"Senpai, the rice is ready to eat." Sakura's sweet voice graced the kitchen, and breakfast just about to be served.

"Come on, come on Shiro! Onee-chan needs her energy for the day!"

"Honestly, is food all you can think about? Taiga can wait another minute can't you—kya!" Ilya cried as Fujimura-sensei struck little Ilya with her trusty Shinai and said,

"It's Onee-san! My goodness, where are your manners? Shiro, you need to raise Ilya-chan more properly." Taiga said shaking her head.

"More like Oba-san than—I mean, Onee-san, who look so young and charming!" Ilya corrected herself. The Shinai's mere presence was enough to strike fear in anybody's heart.

"Fujimura-sensei, please don't bring that up to the table when we're about to eat." Sakura comes to the rescue, but before breakfast could begin.

"Ilya!!" Rin let out a prolonged scream as she stampeded from the front door to the living room. Her target within her sights, Rin grabbed the small girl and shook her by the collar screaming, "You're going to pay every yen for the damages. Do you understand; do you hear me?"

"W-what are you talking about? I didn't do anything wrong! Onii-chan, help me!" Ilya used her puppy dog eyes to get help from her big brother.

Shiro tried to calm the situation, "Oi Tosaka, before we get ahead of ourselves, why don't you explain what's going on—Saber, don't start eating by yourself!"

"Rin could explain the situation while we eat, can she not?" Saber said while almost half finished with her bowl of rice already.

"That's right," Rin finally let Ilya go, who looks like she's about to faint. "As we speak Leysritt and Sella are most likely on their way here."

"Leysritt-san and Sella-san, who're they?" Fujimura-sensei asked Rin, who didn't realize a civilian was amongst them.

"They're my maids! Before onii-chan, Leysritt and Sella took care of me!" Ilya covered for Rin's blunder.

"Eh?! Ilya-chan, when did you have maids? Who're they like? When do we get to meet them?" Taiga mumbled curiously, ignorant of the situation.

"Did Ilya tell you that she ran away from home?" The last quintessential detail Rin filled in caused the gears inside Fujimura-sensei's head to stop. "Not to mention the fact that they almost razed my house, thinking that you were hiding there. I left Archer with them so we still have some time."

"And there she is," Rin falls over as Archer escorts Leysritt and Sella into Shiro's home.

"What the hell are you doing?" Rin strangled Archer with a triangle lock.

"Rin, calm yourself. I struck a deal. The house is back to normal." Rin's grip loosened as she listened to Archer's explanation. On the condition that Rin's mansion was returned to its original state this morning, Archer agreed he would lead the two maids to the runaway Einzbern heir. Concluding his report, Archer received a pat on the head with a compliment from Rin. "I'm not your pet dog, you know." Archer mumbled.

"And that's the situation," Rin points a taut finger at Ilya. "Now what did you do this time to cause trouble, brat?"

"Mistress was supposed to meet a suitor." Leysritt said with complete calm. The room loomed quietly like calm before the storm.

"You mean like…" Sakura could barely speak, her face flushed. "…a prospect husband?"

"What the HELL?!" Taiga shouted with a fierce temper. "What craziness are you spouting? Ilya is of no age to be meeting a person like that!" Fujimura-sensei continued her incoherent jargon unaware of Ilya's true age, but Ilya's maid showed to no reaction to Taiga's angry display. Instead, they completely ignored her and approached there mistress. "Hey, don't ignore me!"

"Lord Einzbern is already at the end of his patience, milady. Please return to the castle so we may make preparations to leave." Sella said, extending her hand.

"No!" Ilya crossed her arms like a stubborn child.

"Lord Einzbern has allowed us to use force if necessary."

"I said 'No', no-no-no!" Ilya whined and kicked on the floor, but the two maids grabbed the little fairy without a second wasted, dragging her out of the living room. "Someone help me! Taiga, you won't let them do this to me right?!"

"That's right! Despite the fact that Ilya is a spoiled, rotten, little devil-child with no sense of cultured behavior," A stitch of anger struck Ilya from Fujimura-sensei's overly descriptive monologue, "She's still a member of this house!" And sensei grabbed Ilya as well, a tug of war starting between Taiga and the maids.

"Stop, if you pull like that I'll be torn apart!"

"Okay, everyone, let's take a step back and try to work things out." Shiro suggested, but neither Taiga nor the maids would let go of their charge. "At least stop pulling, Ilya's going to get hurt."

"Hm… what the stupid redhead says is true." Sella hesitantly complied. "But know this Emiya Shiro; Ilya-sama will leave this vulgar place if I have anything to do about it."

"Be still, Sella, we did not come to fight." Leysritt showed a friendly smile.

Shiro awkwardly thanked the maids for being understanding, but how must he go to settle this problem? And when did Ilya start receiving suitors? Problem after problems were piling up before a solution could be thought up for any of them.

"Ne, why are you trying to force Ilya into something she doesn't want to do?" Fujimura-sensei asked.

"It's because of grandpa. After all that's happened recently, he suddenly found it necessary that I find a partner in life." Ilya explained.

"Oh, that's good you have a grandfather that cares for you."

"That's not it Tai—I mean—onee-chan! Grandpa does this to get his kicks. He's a sadist in every aspect! Ever since I was little he would play twisted games with me, saying that it's training or some other lie." Ilya bundled into a fetal position, dark memories resurfacing.

"Oh, come on, there's nobody like that." Fujimura-sensei laughed; however, Leysritt and Sella,

"It's true that lady Ilya has been through some harsh training, but her role as of now has changed since 'that time'. In order to prepare for the future ahead, it is imperative that we find a suitable spouse to procure an heir so that the Einzbern family may continue."

The Emiya household stopped to process all the information that was suddenly dumped upon their poor simple minds, and the two maids used this as their opportune moment. But Ilya predicted their movement. She hasn't lived with them for nothing. No normal child could evade those two dangerous maids without years of first hand experience.

Jumping onto her big brother's lap, Ilya clinched her arms tightly around his neck and bit into the collar of his shirt. Shiro felt a sense of danger as Sella leered with eyes full of contempt.

"Unhand milady foul beast before I split thee asunder." Sella brandished her sister's halberd, a scornful aura stemming from every fiber of her body.

"No I'm going to stay with onii-chan. You two just hurry up and go back home." Ilya griped.

"I cannot and will not allow you to stay with this filthy—," but before Sella could finish her sentence, Leysritt pulled her sister aside and began to whisper vociferously. Everyone tried to listen in, then Sella screamed aloud, "Have you lost your mind as well, sister?!"

"But it is her wish, I'm sure Lord Einzbern will work something out." Leysritt reasoned then approached her mistress with a saintly smile, "Milady, you wish to stay with Shiro, correct?"

Ilya was puzzled for a moment, feeling something strange in her two maids' sudden change of appearance, but she nodded her head affirmatively. Giving a curt bow, Ilya's maids left the Emiya residence without another fuss.

Rin was at a loss of words. There's something funny going on, and she isn't laughing. But what was it? Rin's womanly intuition would not let the matter go. Recapping, the two maids asked if Ilya wanted to stay with Shiro, so what could they be—

The shattering of glass interrupted Rin's train of thought. Archer stepped in between his master and the unfolding chaos. Men clad in black tactical armor and suits broke into the house with flawless synchronization.

"Visual of the package confirmed, commencing retrieval!" A commanding officer ordered his squad of interlopers over small headsets, their primary focus on Shiro.

As three men were about to sack Shiro, Saber stepped in, her hand emitting a golden ray of light, "Saber, no sword." But at her master's command, she was left empty-handed. Instead, she began her attack with a swift kick to the first soldier's groin and all hell breaking loose after.

"Put the spatula down! Put it down!" Sakura cowered in tears within the kitchen.

"You have guts to dare invade this house!" Taiga knocked down the two men antagonizing Sakura with a single swipe of her favored weapon, Tora-Shinai. "I must protect this house! I must protect this house!" Man after man falls to Fujimura-sensei's sheer tenacity.

"Oh my god, she's a freakin' monster, chief—argh! Man down!"

"Take her out, quick, use tranquilizer darts!"

But with her honed instincts, Taiga effortlessly swings her Tora-Shinai, knocking the darts away in mid-air, but one stray dart was deflected straight onto Shiro's leg. Within seconds, Shiro couldn't feel the lower part of his body anymore.

"Woops, sorry, are you alright Shiro?" Her attention misplaced only for a second, one brave soldier pulled out a small trinket the size of a Zippo lighter. A small puff of smoke blasted Taiga in the face, and she fell to the floor, asleep with her eyes open.

"Now, secure the package for extraction!" The brave, nameless soldier uttered his dying wish (not really). With the feeling in his legs gone, there's nothing Shiro could do. He was surrounded on all sides, his whole body bound in rope like he was bout to be mummified.

When he thought hope was long gone, two of his captors were blown away by their own comrade. Saber threw the soldiers as if they weigh nothing more than bags of garbage. That's right, even if Saber is unarmed, there's no way a normal human being can stand up to her in a contest of strength.

"Hey!" Saber faced her newest opponent and froze when she saw what he held in his hands, a shining golden platter of butter-syrup topped pancakes cooked to perfection. As the nameless soldier moved the platter of deliciousness to the left, Saber's hawk eyes followed with it.

"Saber, help me!" However her master is in the most recent biggest pinch of his life. But the pancakes… we can't ignore the pancakes! Saber's indecisiveness was comparable to a puppy unable to pick what it really wants. But before she could even decide, the platter of cakes flew out into the backyard, Saber following it in a heartbeat. Shiro's last glimmer of hope was destroyed by a breakfast item that he could have made in 15 minutes or less.

"The package has been secured. Wheel him in boys!" About to question what they meant by 'wheel him in', Shiro's body was dragged across the floor, crashed through the window, his head struck the ceiling on the way out, rendering him unconscious, and into an unmarked black helicopter above.

"Mission accomplished, head to extraction point Bravo." All operatives disappeared like ghosts in an instant, leaving behind their stunned hosts. And that's when Rider took the opportune time to enter the living room with some desserts. She paused, registering all the turmoil that wasn't here minutes ago.

"Did something happen? And where's Ilya and Shiro?" Rider asked and noticed Saber enjoying some pancakes out in the backyard.

**-Somewhere, approximately 14,000 feet in the air-**

Shiro's head bobbed back and forth from his conscious/unconscious state. A sense of nausea he guessed was from the tranquilizer he got hit with; however, the floating sensation in the pits of his stomach would not go away. That's what brought his mind out of the gutter, his eyes starting to take focus.

There's something in front of him, blocking his whole vision. As the blurred image was being corrected, Shiro noticed it looked like a face. In actuality it was a face, a face of an albino man with leering red eyes.

His heart almost skipping a beat, Shiro cocked his head back again, feigning unconsciousness, but the old man didn't like his reaction. The albino man reached with has large hand for a lever, and the floor in front of Shiro opened up. Sharp headwinds licked his face as a barrenness field of mountains was below him. Shiro's adrenaline shot through every corner of his body as the crazy person suspended him over the trap door single-handedly.

"Okay, I'm up-I'm up!" Shiro pleaded and was tossed aside. The trap door closing with its (sole) purpose fulfilled. He felt like he just lost a year of his life in that moment. Catching his breath, Shiro took a glimpse around his surroundings. A rather large room with Western comforts contained inside. If it wasn't for the view of mountains and thunderous winds seconds ago, he would have thought that he was in Ilya's castle.

"Boy!" A heavy voice struck deep down into the core of Shiro's body. "It's very impolite not to introduce yourself, when it is our first meeting."

"P-pardon me! My name is Emiya Shiro. It's a pleasure to meet you." Shiro replied with a courteous bow without thinking twice. "Wait a minute, what am I doing?"

But before Shiro could even begin to think, the person before him let out a raucous laugh that echoed within the cabinets of their confines. "You were right Leysritt. The boy does appear rather thick-headed but has a good heart. I like that. Yes-yes, I approve of your decision."

"Thank you for your lenience, Lord—"

"You cannot seriously be considering taking this dolt to be the inheritor of our burdens, can you sister, Lord Einzbern?"

"Wait a second! Hold on," Shiro interrupted, "Lord Einzbern as in Ilya's… father?" Shiro mentally guessed this nobleman's age as the same as his father, Kiritsugu, but never would have guessed Ilya's father would look like him.

Lord Einzbern was taken back by Shiro's unexpected question. A coy smile painted his face and was replying, "Yes, I'm Ilya's papa—argh?!"

"No, he's not!" Ilya flew into the scene, executing a drop kick square in between the Lord's shoulder blade.

"Ilya, you're here, too?"

"No time to explain onii-chan! We have to get out of here!" Ilya began untying the rope binding Shiro.

"And where do you plan to escape to, young lady? We're approximately 14,000 feet in the air in our private plane currently over the country of Kazakhstan." Lord Einzbern bellowed, his form towering over Ilya.

"Kazakhstan?! Eastern Europe?!" Shiro exclaimed, though his geographical knowledge in that part of the world is questionable.

"Ilya-chan, it's been so long. Why did you stay in Japan and never come home. I've been so lonely. Can't you even give your old grandpa Acht a kiss?" Acht made a kissy face.

"Nooo! I don't wanna—kyaaa!" Ilya cried and fussed, but Acht left his mark on Ilya's round cheek. The poor girl sobbed quietly, hugging her still tied up big brother. Acht laughed merrily, enjoying this feeling he hasn't felt for such a long time.

"Um, I know you're not feeling well at this moment, Ilya, but could you tell me what's going on?" Shiro was still oblivious to his current predicament.

"Isn't it obvious? You're going to be my new grandson-in-law!" Acht's grand overstatement left Shiro speechless, almost.

"G-g-g-grandson, what do you mean?!"

"Well actually, you've always been my grandson, informally, since that naughty son-in-law of mine didn't fill out all the required paperwork, but this will solve that problem in an instant. So there's nothing to worry about!" Acht explained.

"I am worrying! And you're not explaining anything! I know I'm like a brother to Ilya but doesn't what you're saying mean I am her real brother? And finally isn't that incest?!" Shiro rebutted.

"Ah, you're the younger brother to be precise. (Shiro says, "What?!") But though the whole family inbreeding thing has been a long standing tradition within aristocrats, I'm willing to move around that issue since you are Kiritsugu's adopted son after all."

"Hold on, inbreeding, you're alright with that? What kind of family is this?!"

"We're magi of course, and magi must do what magi must do." Acht's somber face said he would not tolerate any measure of disobedience from Shiro.

"So… so does this mean onii-chan is going to be my darling?" Ilya caught on to the direction of the conversation.

"Oh, my lovely granddaughter carrying our superb circuits has caught on! Yes, the wedding will be held immediately, as soon as we reach our home castle!" Acht said.

Ilya turned to her big brother, an angelic face twisted by a hungry smile. Shiro felt a strong chill climb his spine, like the times when Ilya tried to transfer his conscious into that cursed looking doll.

"Onii-chan," Ilya said with all sweetness, "We'll be together forever, right?" The look in Ilya's eyes seemed ready to devour Shiro whole. But Sella stopped it before things could have progressed without her earlier, ignored input.

"Though I serve and protect Ilya-sama with my life, I cannot approve that this primate dare sully milady! I cannot!" Sella declared.

"Jeez, what are you ranting like an old maid about? (Sella says, "Old maid?!") If you got a problem then settle it right now, we don't have time to be thinking about menial things when we've got a wedding to prepare." Acht gave his approval for Sella to settle their differences.

"Heh, I warn you Sella. Onii-chan is stronger than he looks. He could take out Berserker nine times over with one move!" Ilya spoiled a plot element, without acknowledging the fact that the current Shiro doesn't have that kind of firepower at his current disposal.

"It's of no matter to me. As long as milady is freed from this ravenous dog, I would gladly sacrifice my life! Sister, your halberd!" Sella requested but Leysritt,

"Sister, if you use such a weapon while we are in this fragile vessel approximately 14,000 feet in the air, I fear for all our lives would be in danger." Leysritt informed, squandering her sister's resolve.

"That's not a problem. I would—"

"Use of sister's offensive thaumaturgical archetypes is also not recommended since its tendencies of area affect." Leysritt foiled her sister again.

"Give it up, Sella. You're at an obvious disadvantage." Ilya waved and hugged her captured prize, Shiro.

"Never!" Sella shouted and approached the lever. "Fine, if I can't use a weapon or my sorcery, I'll simply drop this ape to his grave."

"Stop, don't pull that lever!" Shiro screamed, a sense of déjà vu hitting him hard. "I don't know why, but you'll regret it if you pull that lever. So please, don't… pull it." Shiro begged.

However Sella just stared at the object of her contempt with a face that says: Why the hell should I listen to you? You're just a suspicious letch with no idea what he got himself into. Or something close along those lines, and pulled the lever that opened the trap door.

Just as Shiro's instincts predicted, a mischievous gust of wind blew through the cabin, lifted the skirts of Sella, Leysritt, and Ilya, and exposed two of Europe's finest pair of lingerie and a pair of navy blue bloomers.

Shiro rushed to the lever, closing the trap door that was supposed to have been activated for its one time use only. "I'm sorry. I tried to warn you. Are you alright?" Sella stumbled back, unable to reply as a mixture of revulsion and embarrassment glossed her rosy face. "Would it help if I said, I didn't see anything?"

A quick slap cocked Shiro's head at a 90 degree angle, a strike that could have been strong enough to knock a normal man's head clean off. Sella stomped away, admitting her defeat. The maid in her unstable emotional state almost stumbled over her own two feet but recovered herself before she fell.

She sneaked a glance back at Shiro, but her face now twice as flushed, and left running to the front cabin. Leysritt bowed politely before attending to her broken spirit sister.

"Grandson, you have just showed me your great power this very moment." Shiro felt like a hundred pound bag fell on top of his shoulder. "Only a young man such as you has the ability to bring these favored acts of god into reality. You are truly blessed by fate, as expected of a young man from an 'Eroge'." Acht patted Shiro on the shoulder, reflecting on the fan-service for the purpose of boosting the ratings.

"Wait!" Ilya exclaimed, "You not supposed to be saying those kinds of things! And why am I the only one wearing bloomers?! I can be sexy, too! This is why onii-chan never pays enough special attention to me! I'm supposed to be the heroine, yet I have the least amount of lines!" Ilya cried.

(Almost the least…)

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**-Part 'A' Complete - Continue to Part 'B'-**

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**Author's note:**

Hey everybody, I know it's amazing, but I'm back! Now before I get anybodies' hopes up. I would like to give you a special announcement:

**I offer no special promises, no guarantees, but hey, I'll try!**

In other words, I have too many different things going on still and I barely popped this chapter out half complete. My goal of completing the entire thing before GTA IV comes came to a screeching halt as I had to improvise and readjust the battle plans. And as you see, I roughly finished half of the original content, meaning there's a lot more comical madness to come.

But seeing as I'll be locked in a room playing GTA IV like a possessed hikikomori for hours upon hours… let's just not get too excited.

Anyways, I put lots of love and effort into this fic. I hoped everyone enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Till next time, (whenever that will be) bye-bye

-4/27/2008-

Edit: 5/25/2008 - Footnotes up, yay!

**Footnotes:**

Acht – Jubstacheit von Einzbern, the eighth head of the family, better known as Acht, nearly two centuries old, responsible for changing the family objective to seeking the Grail to Grail Wars, gave Kiritsugu Avalon, yadda-yadda, according to Wikipedia anyways… Now, on to the good part!

After the war in Fuyuki subsides, Acht needs to make preparations for the next Grail war that's to follow, but a new vessel is necessary. With Ilya's lifespan supposedly short, old man "Acht" needs to move fast, doesn't he? So to fix the problem, we have Acht arranging Ilya to get married and carry out the 'family business', and now we have the plot of "Einzbern Wedding Panic".

Ilya's Bloomer – As you all know, Ilya is Fujimura-sensei most trusted assistant in the infamous Tiger Dojo, equipped with the most feared purple Bloomers. Instead of the ol' run of the mill panty shot, I decided to throw those purple puppies in since some people are into those kinds of things… I mean, it's not a problem if you are, you know, I mean, yeah…

A young man from an 'Eroge'-joke – As you all know, the main character of an Eroge (yes, stuff that contains sex, there, I said it) always has a harem of girls that he can choose from if he does the right stuff at the right time. And like many examples, all the girls are crazy over him and/or the gods bless him with panty shots and etcetera that is completely impossible in reality (which really sucks).


	2. Part B

**Fate-Season's Road**

"**Spring Project"**

**By Jyoohan**

**Original Creators**

**Type-Moon**

* * *

**Einzbern Wedding Panic – Part B**

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-**Prelude-**

As the author worked furiously on the computer to bring his work into fruition, he suddenly realized a mistake he made in the earlier chapter. It's not a 'serious' mistake that would mar his reputation or anything, but more like a splinter that drives some over the edge of sanity.

It was the mistake of using the word "Interlude" since the word "Inter-" refers to the middle, or a pause, intermission of sorts. And yet this foolish author mistakenly put something that should have been in the middle to the beginning.

However, if this author were to go back and fix that error, then the point of making this new 'prelude' to correct the mistake that he made in the past would be pointless.

"So in other words, you're too lazy to go fix it." Yuurei-san said.

"Yeah, pretty much." The author grinned.

**-Prelude out-**

**-Dawn, German Airspace-**

The burning orb, more commonly known as the sun, blazed the skies crimson-orange. And cruising above the cotton ball clouds, a small aircraft hummed softly. Inside this a vessel, a plum haired goddess, Rider piloted the craft with superb ease and enjoyed every second of it.

Though this technological wonder of man cannot compare to her beautiful steed, Pegasus, its different feel was a rush like no other. Having already mastered the art of automobiles and motorbikes, Rider had finally gotten the chance to ride her heart out in this baby with wings.

But for the entire trip, she has been itching to pull some crazy stunts. However, the rest of the occupants back in the cabin would be a little more than disturbed after her gravity defying acrobatics. Furthermore, Rider's master, Sakura, was soundly asleep in the co-pilot seat. She would not dare disturb her master when she is sleeping so well, especially after the ordeal yesterday.

"Rider-san," Sakura mumbled in her waking state, "is it morning already?" The brilliant dawn made her eyes ache.

"Yes master, we're currently in German airspace, destination Einzbern Castle ETA 8 minutes." Rider said with an air of profession, but Sakura looked clueless to as what her Servant said. "We've almost arrived, Sakura."

"Oh! I see. I think I'll go wake onee-san and the others then." Sakura was about to get up but,

"Wait Sakura, we can use this." Rider picked up the plane's PA system. "(ahem) Good morning, everyone, and thank you for flying with Pegasus airlines, we hope everyone is enjoying their flight. Please bring your seats back to their upright position and your seatbelts fastened."

Sakura blinked, amazed at how authentic Rider sounded.

"Please remember this is a non-smoking flight, and be sure that all cellular devices are turned off. We have arrived in German airspace and currently traveling at—"

"Okay Rider-san, I think that's enough." Sakura struggled to take the microphone away from her eccentric Servant. "I appreciate the thought Rider-san, but I'll go wake them myself. Saber-san seems to be taking it hard the most."

And without a doubt since Saber left her master's side when he was in need of her help the most. For as long as Sakura could remember, after the pancakes that is, Saber had a gloomy cloud hanging over her like a curse.

"All the fault and responsibility lies with me. I, who have sworn to protect my master through thick and thin, abandoned him. I do not deserve to be in his mere presence." Saber lamented silently in her seat.

Though Saber is her rival, Sakura couldn't seize this chance to steal senpai for herself. Saber acting the way she is, her conscience wouldn't let her do as she wants. Sakura gave the poor thing a comforting back rub before checking up on her sister.

Rin was sound asleep next to her Servant, Archer. It was a shame Rin couldn't see she had a perfectly good man right under her nose, literally. Even Sakura felt a small measure of attraction towards the strange, foreign man for reasons she didn't know. He was pleasant to the eyes after all.

"What am I thinking?" Sakura blushed, shaking her head. "Nee-san, it's time to wake up." She shook her sister awake.

"Uu-wha? Fifteen more minutes…" Rin snoozed on, snuggling deeper into Archer's warm chest. Sakura blushed even more, as Rin was more coquettish when muddled by sleep.

"N-nee-san, please, wake up!" Sakura tugged at the blankets that wrapped Rin and Archer in their love nest. But when the blanket was removed, Sakura opened Pandora's Box. Rin's burgundy sweater hiked up almost revealing her bra, her miniskirt exposing striped panties, and to top it of, Archer's hand was dangerously close to sinuous places on Rin's (hot) body.

"Hey, what are you doing? It's cold." Rin tried to recover her stolen blanket, but Archer's arms kept her from escaping. Pausing to think, she attempted to bring her sluggish brain back to speed.

Her lethargic head began putting the pieces together. Clothes that have been almost removed, hands in uncomfortable places with the source of the hands confirmed: a white haired male. Now a response to the situation was being compiled.

First response was the flushing of the face. Second response was locking onto the target's weak point, and the final response was launching the defensive countermeasure against the target. A swift punch aimed at Archer's face. The strike obviously woke the sleeping Servant, but his sense of balance teetered and he fell out of his seat to Sakura's feet.

"Wh-wh-what do you think y-y-you're doing, moron!" Rin stuttered incoherently, as Archer wondered what he did wrong to warrant this rude awakening.

"Nee-san, please do something about Saber-san." Sakura pleaded, trying her best to ignore Archer.

"Eh, is she still acting like it's the end of the world?" Rin asked, fixing her clothes.

"I don't know what to do anymore. She's been like that ever since we left Fuyuki. Isn't there something you can do?"

"It was all her fault for abandoning Emiya-kun in the first place." Rin's comment pierced through Saber's heart like Gae Bolg.

"Nee-san!"

"Okay-okay, (ahem) Saber—"

"It's quite alright Rin," Saber interrupted, "what you said was not a lie. Shiro is gone because of my carelessness, and I've been thinking in these past hours. Looking back, I haven't really done anything but eat and sleep all day, while Shiro worked so hard for my sake."

"That's not true Saber-san! I'm sure you can do something to help senpai once in a while, right nee-san?" Sakura smiled very hard.

"Oh, yeah, sure." Rin played along.

"Like what?" Saber's question was worse than writer's block. Sakura and Rin looked away, unable to think up a reply. The dark cloud that hung over Saber's head grew twice in size. "If I had another chance at life, maybe I could grow up to be like Sakura. I'm sure Shiro would have liked that."

A pang of guilt struck Sakura as her plan to cheer up the poor Servant completely blew up in her face. "Nee-san, please, anything, do anything." Sakura sobbed.

Rin sighed. Scratching her head as she wondered how a Servant like Saber could be reduced to her current pathetic state. Reaching deep inside her head, there had to be something Rin could use to fix the situation. A quote popped into her head. Something her father and even that damn Kotomine used a long time ago.

"Saber-san, you know that you have made a mistake, correct?" Rin started, getting an approving nod from Saber. "They say that admitting a mistake is the first step to—" Before she could finish, the plane shook wildly. Rin and Sakura almost fell to the floor. (Arching getting a clear view of heaven from his ideal perspective from the floor.)

"Sakura, Rin, we got a problem, come here please, quickly." Rider said gravely over the intercom.

Inside the cockpit, Rider fiddled with the comm. device, unable to understand a single word the speaker was spitting out, "Mitspracherecht ihrer angebracht und zweck." It repeated over and over, sounding angrier by the second.

"What the hell are you saying, can't you speak Japanese?!" Rider cursed over the airwaves.

"Give me that!" Rin snatched the radio away, noticing two MiG-29 fighter jets on both sides of their craft. But more importantly, the motif applied to the jets caught Rin's eye. It was the Einzbern's coat of arms. Rider and Sakura watched with amazement as Rin argued with the MiG-29 pilot with complete fluency.

The conversation started slow, Rin introducing her name and the rest incomprehensible. As the talk progressed, Rin's patience neared its breaking point as she began shouting and even glaring out the cockpit windows, and pointing at the fighter pilots with an angry finger.

There was a momentary pause until the main LCD screen suddenly came to life. Acht's bloated head took up the entire screen, "Is it on? Is it working?" The Einzbern Lord tapped the camera.

"Don't touch the camera, it's on already. You probably look really stupid right now." Ilya said off screen.

"Ms. Tosaka, I see that you've found one of our private jets." Acht tried to regain face.

"Yes-yes, but what's this idea that your pilots will shoot us down if we don't turn back?" Rider and Sakura jerked in shock as Tosaka continued the negotiation much too calmly.

"It's simple, Ms. Tosaka. This is a family only affair and uninvited guest such as yourself are not welcome."

"That's wrong; we're all senpai's family!" Sakura interjected.

"Don't be ridiculous." Acht waved, "Anyways, if you don't turn your craft around, my pretty two birds in the sky will make sure you touch the ground real soon, lebewohl. Ah! That looks so cute on you Ilya-cha—" The connection was cut.

"Sakura…" Rider's grip on the controls tightened as warning sirens went off. Their jet detected a lock-on from the two MiG-29s.

"Rider, how well can you fly this plane?" Rin's question caught Rider off guard for a moment.

"Well enough, why do you ask?" Rin's face said you know why. "Oh, no. no-no-no-no, this plane can't handle any kind of air combat maneuvers. It's out of the question!" Rider exclaimed, but the sensors blared even louder, announcing a hot missile on approach.

"I think we're out of options, do something!" At Rin's order, Rider slammed the air brakes, executing a cobra turn only possible thanks to her unparallel riding skills, and dodge the missile at the last second.

Sakura and Rin barely managed to strap themselves in before the G-forces sent them tumbling around inside of the plane. However, an unfortunate soul wasn't strapped in and crashed halfway into the cockpit. Archer moaned in a very uncomfortable position and said, "What the hell's going on?"

"We got two superior aircrafts ready to turn us into a falling pile of ash, that's what!" Rider screamed and pulled a sharp Split S, and Archer tumbled all the way to the back of the plane.

"Rider, can't you do anything?" Sakura screamed in a panic, nausea taking a toll.

"We don't have anything to shoot them with, and why did you even get us into this mess, Rin?!" Rider barrel rolled to safety from a spray of lead. But the second MiG-29 got on Rider's tail. The sensors whined again as the enemy fighter locked onto Rider's vessel.

The MiG-29 pilot released the safety and fired his deadly cargo. The missile detached itself and just as it began its thrust, a bolt of light pierced it end to end. The explosion rocked its mother vessel, shredding its wing, and the pilot ejected before the plane sunk to its grave.

"Archer, is that you back there?!" Rin screamed.

"Of course, do you know anyone else who can shoot down a plane only using a bow while inside a plane undergoing air combat maneuvers?" Archer replied coolly from the plane's rear hatch.

"Was this your plan Rin? If it is, you're a genius!" Rider complimented, her anxiety completely gone thanks to Archer.

"Just give me an AOA (Angle of Attack), not a lot of room to shoot back here!" Archer shouted to the front as he traced one more arrow for the last kill. The first shot was lucky since the enemy was right in Archer's sights. But he couldn't risk sticking himself out any more for a wider vantage, or he would be launched into freefall. It was up to Rider's ability to give Archer the angle he needed, and a split second was all he needed.

"You might have to give me a minute, our friend is wising up." As Rider said, the second MiG-29 stayed clear of Rider's tail. Rider's craft didn't have enough thrust to overtake the more nimble fighter jet, so she concocted a daring plan. Rider positioned herself on her enemy's six and said, "You might want to hold on tight for this one!"

Pulling the nose of the plane up at a 90 degree angle, Rider performed Pugachev's Cobra but didn't stop there. The plane tipped back even further into a 180 degree angle, and a second bolt of light exited the rear cabin and slashed the MiG-29's wing apart.

As the second MiG-29 spiraled to the ground with its pilot ejected, Rider completed Kulbit's loop, returning to a normal horizontal flight. The brave plane's passengers took a moment to collect themselves after their stomach-turning stint.

"Can we do that again?" Rin opined, still pumping with adrenaline.

"No!" Sakura cried squeamishly.

"I don't think we can even if we wanted." Rider said and pointed at their fuel gauge, indicating empty.

**-Einzbern Home Castle-**

Leysritt and Sella wiped tears of joy at the sight of their mistress. Ilya turned in front of an array of mirrors, her wedding dress almost dazzling as the Dress of Heaven itself.

However, Acht scratched his chin and said, "It's a little too plain, don't you think grandson?"

"I'm not your grandson, and aren't we breaking a tradition by seeing the bride?!" Shiro struggled in his cream tuxedo, tied to a chair.

"Rules are meant to be broken. Traditions are meant to change over time. And more importantly, Ilya, you need something sexier, like a miniskirt!" and a stepping stool connected to the side of Acht's head.

Shiro took this as a chance to escape while the perverted old man was out cold, but Ilya was already ahead of him. He found himself in a very similar situation, Ilya's angelic figure on his lap with her flowing wedding gown. Her mystic eyes slowly took effect on him.

"Onii-chan, how do I look?" Ilya pressed her lithe body against Shiro.

"I-Ilya, you can't be serious right? Marriage is a very s-serious thing. It's not something a child should h-hastily c-commit to." Shiro couldn't control his stutter.

"Onii-chan, I think you're the one being childish, don't you think?" Ilya knew that Shiro knew that Ilya was no child. "And besides, as long as its onii-chan…" Ilya's supple lips crept closer to Shiro's. The boy would have turned his head, but her mystic eyes have already paralyzed him. He could already feel her breath, and a loud buzzing noise…

Wait, a loud buzzing noise? Shiro could at least move his eyes and noticed something large coming straight at them from behind the large window panels.

"Ilya, there's a plane about to crash, and I think we need to move."

"Onii-chan, I know you're desperate, but please be more creative."

"No, seriously, there's a pla—!!"

As the metal bird crashed into the dressing room, scattering glass, splinters, and stone bricks everywhere, Ilya and Shiro screamed as Sella and Leysritt came to their rescue. The plane's fuselage used the sandwich of floor and ceiling to soften its landing as it tore halfway into the ridiculously large room.

Ilya opened her eyes, coughing and trying to fan the dust from her face. And when the dust cleared, Shiro was cut and bruised, used as a shield by Sella to protect Ilya from all of the chaos. Before Ilya could attend to her darling-to-be's wound, the plane's hatch popped open.

"Ouch… I though we were going to die for sure." Rider muttered, exiting the dead vessel with Sakura unconscious on her back.

"Rider, Sakura, is that really you?" Shiro shouted before Sella dropped him face first onto the floor.

"We have an uninvited guest in the main dressing hall. Threat level is beyond our control. Send 'him' in." Sella spoke quickly and concisely into hidden speakerphone, aware of the danger Rider's mere presence stated.

The two maids made sure the situation would not spin out of control before back up could arrive. With another Servant, a mystical phenomenon only possible through an act of miracle, two of Einzbern's homunculi would barely even match to this one-sided battle.

"Shiro," Rider snatched the boy with one hand from Ilya's grasp. "I've heard you caused a lot of trouble for a lot of people. Making Sakura cry like that, do you have a death wish?" The enmity Rider gave off was like a pororoca, unusually placed in Shiro's perspective.

"Before you have any more thoughts of hurting me, could I ask what kind of trouble you're talking about? I'm the victim here." Shiro replied honestly.

"Playing ignorant are we, Emiya Shiro?" Rider grumbled, explaining how he defended Ilya, ignoring everyone's feeling, making Sakura cry because of his apathy, and leaving everybody high and dry to marry into nobility. "This is why I'm in this situation in the first place, aren't I? I was almost shot down, and you endangered Sakura's life this far!"

"Wait-wait-wait, where did you get this info from?"

"Archer, of course, he explained in great detail of your treachery." Rider remembered how much detail Archer regurgitated before the take off in Fuyuki.

"Archer… that bastard." Shiro shook his fist. It all made sense now to Shiro. Of course, only that wily fox would use such an indirect and underhanded tactic. Though Archer didn't really have the motive to kill Shiro anymore for various reasons, their simple dislike for one another was the reason why situations like these happen on a daily basis.

"Rider you have it all wro—aah!" Shiro was interrupted when Leysritt recovered him from Rider's clutches, using a technique liken to the cloth of Magdala.

"Shiro!" Setting her master aside at a safe distance, Rider pulled out her personal daggers, ready to engage combat, but a pair of oaken doors was smashed open. Rider gracefully flipped in the air, dodging even the splinters from the doors that were flung at her. Landing with the same amount of grace, she felt a controlled killing intent of another Servant.

Berserker's towering form had to duck under the double door frame so that he could enter the destroyed dressing hall. But what perturbed Rider the most was not Berserker's presence, it was the image change. The Servant's wild hair was tamed into a simple ponytail, and his armor clad skirt was nowhere to be seen. Instead, Berserker was fitted into the world's largest pair of dress pants and a long sleeve collared shirt that looked loose and comfortable, unbelievable.

"Forgive us Leysritt-sama, Sella-sama, we were still in the process of making his coat but ran out of threading material strong enough to resist his strength." A troop of sweaty tailors bowed in deep apology. These men must have spent grueling hours to make Berserker's formal wear for the wedding.

"Kya! You look so handsome Berserker!" Ilya hugged her Servant.

"Thank you." A deep yet warm voice replied.

Rider almost fell in astonishment and said, "Y-y-you can talk?!"

"Of course, I wouldn't keep Berserker under mad enhancement all the time, especially since he's going to be the best man, and… fighting is pointless now." Ilya chose her words carefully.

"Are you suggesting that I might back down?" Rider adjusted her glasses, venom hidden beneath her every words.

"Back down? I don't know what you're implying, but," Ilya wrapped her arms around Shiro's head, "Onii-chan is already mine." She teased Shiro while antagonizing Rider at the same time. Though Shiro was supposed to be innocent in this, Rider saw a lecherous dog, who was ready to be disciplined, from her point of view.

Throwing her chains in a loop, she was about to catch Shiro's neck and drag him back, but an ashen hand caught her weapon. Berserker stood by her mistress, keeping a sentinel guard. He thought Rider would stand down since he was superior stat wise, but the purple haired Servant did the unthinkable by diving head first into peril.

Taking him by surprise, Rider used his face as a stepping stool and jumped from one end of the room to another. Her chain ensnaring her prey, Rider first captured Berserker's neck, then his ankles, and slowly hogtied the giant Servant. Berserker's face grinded into the floor, Rider pulled his arms back into submission and sat on top of him.

"Impossible, you beat Berserker in strength?!" Leysritt said in horror.

Berserker would have freed himself but if he wasn't careful about his strength; he would ruin the clothes that he had just gotten. It would mar his honor to destroy the tailor's fruits of tears and labor.

"Monstrous Strength," Rider announced, "an ability that allows the user to be possessed by demons or mythic beasts; therefore, boosting a Servant's strength by one rank on a time limit. However, the longer I use this ability…" Rider's complexion began to change ever so slightly. She stumbled as if struck by dizziness, her hair covering her face.

Leysritt and Sella was about to jump in to attack. Rider raised a hand, and a pair of glasses hung between two fingers. The two maids' suddenly stopped in their tracks, their bodies unable to move another inch.

Rider leered with her mystic eyes upon her three victims, effectively paralyzing them and turning their clothing into stone.

"No! Do you know how long it took to get the measurements right?!" The tailors cried before fainting.

Ignoring the peanut gallery, Rider returned her glasses to the bridge of her nose and said, "Ilya, I think it's time to admit your defeat."

"No, onii-chan is mine!" Ilya hugged Shiro stubbornly.

"Do you realize the situation you're in, brat?" Rider began to lose her cool.

"No, go away you stupid giant!"

Something snapped inside Rider's head.

"Stupid… g-giant?" Rider's body trembled, a demonic aura spiraling like a violent typhoon. "I see. It's all clear to me now. You do have a death wish, don't you child?"

Ilya hid behind Shiro, while poor Shiro stuttered inexplicably. She had uttered a taboo word for Rider. Shiro believed their fate was sealed.

And when he thought his life would surely end, Rider stole Shiro from Ilya and said, "But simply ending it here would not quell my anger. I think I'll take this sweet boy as my trophy." Chills ran down Shiro's body as Rider began to do weird things to him.

"No, give him back! Give me onii-chan!" Droplets of tears stained the corners of Ilya's eyes as she ranted. Rider laughed haughtily as her enemy lie in defeat but also failed to sense a coming danger. By the time she realized, it was too late.

Acht's hand held a ball of ethereal energy and released a blast of compressed air. The amount of kinetic energy applied was enough to send Rider, Shiro, and Berserker along into a flight trajectory into a wall. Unfortunately, Leysritt and Sella happened to be in their flight path and were pulled into the fray as well.

The blast of air dug into the floor and ceiling and cleared all debris around Acht's point of attack. He struck a heroic pose and said aloud, "No one and I say no one is allowed to make my granddaughter cry except me!" And a mirror panel was smashed over Acht's head by Ilya.

"Have you gone senile?! Look what you did to my wedding dress!" The compressed blast of air was enough to tear Ilya's frail wedding dress apart, partially exposing her petite figure.

"Ooh, that looks oddly fresh." Acht gave a thumb up before he was smashed with a second and third mirror panel. With her senile grandfather out of commission for a short time, Ilya went to check up on her darling.

She stepped in carefully as chunks of the floor were destroyed. Shiro moaned as Ilya dragged his head out from the rubble and cradled him on her lap. Breathing a sigh of relief, Ilya giggled happily in her moment that lasted too short.

Sakura finally woke from her fainting spell when the plane crashed into the Einzbern's Castle. Seeing a group of figures behind a curtain of smoke, she went to check if Rider was there but found Shiro in a very compromising situation.

The boy cradled in a half naked girl's lap, pieces of stone half resembling clothing barely concealed a pair of maids' body, and Rider knocked out on top of Berserker's shirtless (pants still intact) body.

"Senpai, explain yourself." Dark tendrils climbed up from Sakura's neck, a smile on Sakura's innocent face.

**-Lost in the Forest-**

Rin peered through a pair of binoculars from the top of the highest tree she could find. After parachuting out of the plane, Rin, Archer, and Saber found themselves lost in the German forest; however, Rin was more concerned about Sakura at this moment. Rider said that she would manage, and Sakura was in good hands, but it didn't stop her from worrying.

"Rin, can you see the castle?" Archer called from the ground.

"No, you could have at least spotted the castle on the way down, couldn't you Archer?" Rin complained.

"Well, forgive me, but you're wild screaming was a little distracting—Ow!" A pair of binoculars hit Archer upside the head.

"Don't bring up unnecessary things!" Rin tried to hide her strawberry face.

Things were certainly going wrong at every opportunity lately. She nearly screamed her head off when Archer jumped out the plane with her under his arm. Saber was still useless as she sat under a tree, still lamenting about her sins. And Archer was proving to be completely useless ever since they had landed on solid ground.

"Did you hear that?" Archer said.

Rin tuned her ears to be more sensitive, faint footsteps and a pair of voices. It was coming closer. Rin quickly hid behind the bushes, dragging Saber along. Just in time before a pair of patrolman come into the opening.

Rin could understand their German. They were looking for them after they had bailed out. This was her chance, if Rin could follow the patrol back to the Castle…

"I surrender." Archer casually walked out into the opening.

"Are you stupid?!" And Rin had burst out of her hiding spot without thinking.

(Rin, Archer, Saber – Status: captured)

* * *

**-Part 'B' Complete - Continue to Part 'C'-**

* * *

**Author's note:**

I like to give a special thanks to Yuurei-san and her unbelievable knowledge of Nasu-verse. Her editorial input has been truly helpful to make this chapter finish as fast as it did.

Anyways, as you see, there's going to be a third and final part, hopefully. The story is turning out to be longer than I had previously planned. Extra scenes and stuff adding up, but who's complaining, eh?

So Part 'B' is done, and be locked in anticipation because the next one is going be crazy! I mean Crazy with a capital 'C'… ya' know? Ha-ha.

Lots of love as always, leave a comment, I like comments. I work faster with comments. I like to be flattered, yes, I'm vain and human. And constructive criticism, note the constructive part, is always welcome. Till next time. 5/13/2008

Edit: 5/25/2008 - Footnotes up, yay again!

**Footnotes:**

Yuurei-san – GARcher Maniacus, proud member of the Counter GARdians and Tosaka-ism. She's the shadow brain of the operation, providing this author with great editing input and ideas that are more often than not alien to this virgin mind. As an ally, comrade for life, as an enemy, be wary of stray Noble Phantasms.

Ability: Rapid Reading A+ (seriously, I am not joking.)

Cobra Turn – wiki it...

Split S – wiki it...

Barrel Roll – I'm sure everyone knows what this move is… I hope.

Kulbit - wiki it... (ff-net won't let me post links, oh well)


	3. Part C

**Fate-Season's Road**

"**Spring Project"**

**Writer – Jyoohan**

**Editor – Yuurei-san**

**Original Creators**

**Type-Moon**

* * *

**Einzbern Wedding Panic – Part C**

* * *

Only a small ray of light was able to find its way into the murky cell. Archer looked up to the small rectangular hole with a triple rebar in place. Its shadow was cast on the Servant's face, a metaphor to his current predicament inside these cavernous confines.

Shortly after his quick and gutless surrender, Rin was a little more than touchy about the sudden plot twist. The only saving grace Archer had was the absence of the command mantra in this universe. But there's that and then the beatings and the ego bending from Rin's vibrant lips.

"Curse these bars! If I had only one of my gems, just one! I would have…" Rin seethed as she kicked the bars. The barricade rattled in its place.

The bars which held them in place were specially made to resist any kind of thaumaturgical attacks or curses. In other words, Rin could do nothing to escape her grisly cell. No spells, no dice, a simple way to detain magi.

"Ho-ho-ho!" A haughty laugh announced itself, "to think that 'the' Tosaka heir would be trapped with not one, but two Servants in my dungeon. I can't imagine how one would feel."

And how would it feel, to be trapped with a pair of Servants, mystical beings that could raze a city single handedly, and still be trapped in a mortifying place such as this?

"Ilya, if you don't let me out of this cell this instant, I'll…"

"You'll be out by sundown."

"Eh?" Rin blinked.

"By then, onii-chan and I would have exchanged our vows already, kyaaa!" Ilya couldn't contain her screams, and Saber's ahoge twitched.

Rin backed away from the dancing fairy, unable to process the thought that this was really happening. I mean, would Shiro really tie the knot with Ilya? "Impossible, for someone who doesn't have any ero-scenes, you can't be getting this kind of red carpet treatment." Rin abruptly concluded, making Ilya trip and fall.

"S-silence! So what if I don't have any ero-scene?! Don't think you're all high and mighty because you have special CG treatment!" Ilya shouted and grinded her teeth.

"Oh, did I hurt poor little Ilya's feelings?" Rin cooed.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Don't think you're better than me because you had that crappy excuse of an ero-scene of yours! Nobody even liked that part of the game to begin with!"

"Stupid! Don't mention the—" Before Rin could finish her sentence, hundreds of Noble Phantasms whistled past Rin's form, flipping her hair violently. Ilya stumbled back as a wall of blades gleamed in the murky light. Hundreds of Noble Phantasms shook the bars viciously. And through a small crack, an aura of unparalleled enmity choked the air. His face hidden in the shadows, Archer approached the locked cell door, his wall of blades dispersing in his wake.

"Ilya-chan," Archer's warm voice clashed with his fierce aura, "Never… ever… bring 'that' subject matter up again, and there will be no 'problem(s)'. Do you understand what big brother is saying?"

Ilya nodded her vigorously, tears ready to break free from her eyelids.

"Good," and Archer recalled his noble phantasm back within his Unlimited Blade Work. "There-there, don't cry Ilya. And by the way Rin, since we're on the subject of ero-scenes, how about we finally make our own scene, right here?" Tracing a strand of Rin's hair, he gave a seductive wink.

"Wait… here… now?!" Steam billowed from Rin's face. She stepped away, retreating from his advances until he pinned her against the wall. Her eyes darted around the room, looking for escape, but only found mind tempting material: a dimly lit room, a half made bed, chains and shackles, two voyeurs, a wooden horse—

"Get that shit out of here!!" Rin flung the wooden horse at the author's face. (Sorry!)

"What's wrong, Rin? Have you decided yet?" Archer brought the climaxing plot element back to focus.

"W-w-wait, just wait, we can't do this here! This fic isn't rated for this kind of material, and… it's not that 'time' yet…" Rin tried to hide her burning face.

"You'll have to forgive me, I can't wait that long." Archer placed a gentle hand on her face, ready to take her lips.

Rin shivered as her head was spinning up down and around. Cornered like a wild animal, her predator ready to take anything and everything from her. She could feel his hot breath tickling her face. His face so close… "Noooo!"

The panic switch within Rin's mind was flipped. Emergency protocol took over in an instant as information was being sent and processed faster than the speed of light. Gears were set in motion. The ultimate peace keeping weapon of all women—the knee—was sent directly into the devil's maw.

The impact could barely be even described by this humble author. It was liken to a collapsing star. A whirlpool of pain and devastation as everything was being sucked into that endless black hole. Archer fell over, biting his bottom lip, and said, "My baby-makers..."

"K-keep your s-se…-sex drive in check you animal!" Rin stuttered. And which also puts the score at men, still with zero, and the knee with a long… long… undefeated record.

"Ahem, so, where were we Ilya?" Rin composed herself.

Ilya stared without a sound for a minute then said, "What are we talking about?" Neither Rin nor Ilya wanted to backtrack before the chaotic mess that had happened in the past page. "A-anyways, I just wanted to laugh and stuff, but I have to get ready now. So see you after the wedding!" Ilya scurried up the stairwell.

Hearing the heavy doors close, Rin released a sigh as she took a seat next to Saber. "Oh be quiet, you got what you deserved, pervert." Rin replied unsympathetically to Archer's strained moans.

"Um, Rin," Saber finally spoke up, finally breaking her lapse of silence, "if you don't mind, would you continue what you were saying earlier?"

"Earlier? Oh, you mean back in the plane?" Rin hummed to herself, trying to remember the plot element that was cleverly hidden by the author. "Hey, you, this is about us, not you!" A warning shot by Rin's Gand grazed the author's ear before finding a nice place in his wall.

"Rin."

"Oh, sorry-sorry," Rin smiled bashfully, "What I was trying to say was—"

**-The Groom's Waiting Room-**

Hopeless, it was utterly and completely hopeless. Chances of escape, zero. Chances of rescue, zero. Chances of (insert cynical adjective) death, a predestined fate. That's right, Fate (Jyoohan) and Destiny (Yuurei-san) was blowing bad luck for poor Shiro. All he could do was to wait for his moment of judgment.

Thinking back, there were a couple of things he could have done right… make that a lot of things. Sure, nobody is perfect, but he's human right? Human as a fictional character can get, right?

"Package for Emiya-sama!" A gold cart rolled into the room, a large package sitting atop. Shiro hesitated for a moment, wondering if it might be from Acht or some kind of trap sent by Sella. But his life was pretty much screwed already so it couldn't possibly get any worse, so he got up and began opening the package.

Sifting through the Styrofoam peanuts, Shiro pulled out a VHS cassette tape. The words 'Play Me' plastered on the spine. It didn't feel like a trap, and the room happened to be equipped with the latest entertainment system. Heck, Shiro didn't even really care anymore. Popping the tape into VCR, Shiro's jaw dropped seeing the last person he never would have expected.

"Hey son, I think you're probably surprised to see me."

"You think?!" Shiro replied without thinking, his deceased step-father, Kiritsugu on the TV screen.

"I'm going to skip to the point, since there's no way to explain how this video was made or delivered to you." Kiritsugu said with ice cool, but a winter haired goddess suddenly appeared, blocking the whole screen.

"Honey, what is this?"

"Iris, please, I'm trying to make a video."

"Oh, is this the video camera you've talked about? You're sending a tape to your step-son, Shiro right? They're supposed to be getting married but are they going to be alright? They are brother and sisters, but they're not blood related either."

"You see… I'm trying to resolve that issue—" Kiritsugu tried to explain, but Iris cut him off.

"Hello Shiro, this is the first time I've met you—I mean—you've met me, since this is a recording. I'm Ilya's mother, Irisviel von Einzbern. You may call me Iris. Is Ilya doing alright? Oh, wait, you can't answer since this is a recording." Iris blushed prettily.

"Sorry Shiro, she's not used to the convenience of technology. Iris, please, this is a… a father-son thing."

"Father and son? Hmm…" Iris pulled a face, "wait… darling, you're still against this whole marriage thing aren't you?" Kiritsugu flinched, confirming Iris's claim. "I can't believe you! It's time to let our daughter go, dear. I know you're a doting father, and I love that about you, but this is your own son… I mean step-son. What are you so worried about—mmph?!"

Kiritsugu suddenly cut Iris short, sealing her lips with his. Shiro blushed watching his old man in action. Iris moaned as she got lost in pure ecstasy, her body weakening from Kiritsugu's tender loving care. Trailing a kiss to her ear, Kiritsugu whispered inaudibly, quickly receiving a 'yes' and a compliant Iris leaving the room.

"Ahem," Kiritsugu adjusted his necktie, "now where were we? Ah, right, the wedding. Shiro, there should be something else in the box I sent with the video tape. I'd like for you to find it quickly, right now, I'm waiting." Kiritsugu sat still in the video for a minute, giving Shiro the time to retrieve the item. He dug around the Styrofoam but couldn't find anything else.

"If you still can't find it, just dump it. You should be able to hear it." Kiritsugu said, as if predicting Shiro's mess. Dumping the box's content, a metallic ping rung on the floor. Shiro's heart sunk, a large caliber rifle bullet rolling on the floor.

"There's a Chinese legend about specially paired objects," Kiritsugu began telling a story, "When the paired items are separated, they are bound to be reunited. You see Shiro, that bullet there is very 'special' bullet because it has an older brother, you see."

Shiro understood where this story was going… and it wasn't a happy ending.

"And if that wedding ceremony just so happened to go all the way, I have this feeling, just a small feeling, that the older brother… would come 'flying' to find his lost little sister. Do you understand what I'm saying, son? You know how protective older brothers can be, right?"

Kiritsugu smiled innocently, while Shiro began to cry, the thoughts of, "I'm dead, I'm so dead," repeating endlessly.

"Anyways, that's about all that I wanted to say."

"Darling, are you done yet?" Iris's sweet voice called.

"I have to go now. Remember what I said, son." Kiritsugu figure covered the screen before phasing out into static. Shiro stared blankly into the screen, hope fucked up beyond all recognition. All he could do was sit there and wait for his imminent demise. Nothing… there was nothing for him…

"Aahn! Not… not there." A familiar voice snatched Shiro's attention back to the screen. There was no picture, but the audio was definitely…

"Oi, calm down, we haven't even started yet."

"You know I'm sensiti—kya! Don't… t-touch me… there—uhn!"

A shot of blood spurted from Shiro's nose as he lay in a crumpled heap on the floor. "Nice job, old man…", and gave a thumbs up.

**-Back in the Dungeon-**

"—do you understand Saber?" Rin finished, but Saber didn't reply. She assumed the Servant was deep in thought, very deep. Saber's expression was completely different from before yet still contained a bit of confusion in her eyes.

A booming sound suddenly echoed around the estate, loud enough to be heard even inside the cramped dungeon. Listening more carefully, Rin could hear a melody… wedding music! It's most likely a pipe organ coming from the wedding hall.

"Archer, you got us into this mess, take responsibility!" Rin pointed but found her Servant absent from the spot where he was in a fetal position. "Archer? ... Archer!" The Servant was at the cell door, small tinkling noises coming from his hidden hands.

"Hey, you better not be ignoring me! Stupid, listen to me." But as she finished her sentence, the cell door squeaked open like it was the most natural thing for it to do. Faced with an awkward silence, Rin stared at her grinning Servant, twirling a traced key between his fingers before it disappeared.

"You were saying, master?"

Rin was unable to come up with even the simplest reply, trying her best not to show her embarrassment but failed already. Quickly turning away she mumbled, "You could have at least told me what you were planning," and played with the ends of her twin tails.

"What was that?" Archer feigned deafness; however, he was only rewarded with a quick slap.

"Don't push your luck." Rin grumbled, "Saber, let's go." But the Servant didn't respond. Rin tried to drag the servant, but this time, Saber was immovable from her spot despite Rin's best effort.

"Leave her Rin. She probably has a lot going through her mind after what you said." Archer opined.

Leaving the door ajar, Rin hesitantly left Saber, following Archer up the spiraling stairwell. Luckily, there was no way to get lost since all they had to do was follow the music till it got louder. The layout of the castle was nearly similar to Ilya's back in Fuyuki, making it much simpler.

Before long, Rin and Archer looked over a balcony and gasped in awe of the castle's foyer, almost half the size of a football stadium. There were even doves flying around in circles over the crowd. A vast glass roof leaked in natural light. And the amount of head space couldn't be compared to Ilya's old castle. Far too much detail for this humble author to fit into one paragraph.

"Are they serious? It's no different than being outside." Rin said, looking down at the people below. The crowd looked like a mix of colors from their high vantage point, but one red head stood out from the alter.

Archer reinforced his eyes, zoomed in on Shiro's position, and almost let out a laugh watching the funny sight before him. The poor boy was soaking in his own nervous sweat as Ilya walked down the center aisle lined with gothic arches.

However, his entertainment was cut short when Rin grabbed Archer by the collar and dragged him down the nearest flight of stairs. The pair raced down the stairwells, almost jumping entire flights at a time.

Meanwhile Ilya just reached the podium. The audience had taken their seats. The withered pastor took a moment to clear his throat before he began the ceremony. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered hear today…"

And as the pastor continued with this overly rehearsed speech, Shiro's eyes caught a red dot creeping around the pastor's robe. The red dot first danced around the pastor's chest, then glided up his neck towards his forehead.

Shiro silently cried as the red dot suddenly disappeared, most likely pointed to the back of his head…

Somewhere in the imaginary clouds high above the stratosphere, a black barrel was exposed from the cloudy fluff. A wisp of mist passed by, revealing a laser beam pointing straight down to earth. Following the carbon barrel, a bulky sniper scope hummed, and through the intricate array of lenses within the scope, a large eye spied on the Einzbern Wedding.

Emiya Kiritsugu, step-father of the soon to be deceased Emiya Shiro, unlocked the bolt to his Walther 2000 Sniper Rifle, loaded a thaumaturgically modified .300 Winchester magnum into the bore, and locked 'big brother for flight'.

Relaxing the every muscle in his body, starting from his neck down, Kiritsugu hugged his rifle like one would hold his women. Adjusting the telescopic scope, he eventually zoomed in on the castle then into the wedding hall. He could see his pride and joy walking down the aisle.

"Darling!" Kiritsugu jerked violently, glad that the safety was still on. "There you are, aren't you going to watch the wedding, dear?" Irisviel looked at her husband in a suspicious looking pose.

"Hm… are you hiding something?" She asked, but Kiritsugu shook his head all too quickly. Walking closer to her husband, she jumped to the side to be blocked by Kiritsugu. She jumped again, but this time to the other side; however, Kiritsugu barred her vision again.

Pulling a face, Iris turned and pretended to walk away. Waiting for her chance, she heard Kiritsugu sigh in relief, and in that moment, she jumped onto her hubby and saw his Walther 2000 Sniper Rifle over his shoulders.

"Darling, are your guns more important than your own daughter's wedding?" Iris said in a low voice.

"Of course not, Iris, please, this is a misunderstanding." Kiritsugu barely kept his cool.

"Oh… then what am I misunderstanding?"

"Ah, well… you see, I thought that… since we can't go down there for obvious reasons, that I could… uh, use my sniper scope, yes, to ah… watch the wedding!" Kiritsugu scrappily put together. Iris stared into his eyes, her brow furrowed in seriousness. Why did he bother, Kiritsugu thought. No one buy such an explanation.

"Really?" Iris's face broke out into all innocence, stunning Kiritsugu. "So we can really watch Ilya-chan through this 'soap', right?" Iris jumped on the gun, hogging it for herself.

**-Intermission-**

"At ore-sama's command, you will not ignore this intermission!" The author jabbed his finger annoyingly into the reader's face. "No, seriously, take this moment to calm down and prepare your heart (and gut), for the next few pages will more than likely make you fall off your seat laughing."

"Agreed," Yuurei-san appeared, "As an editor and co-creative-conspirator, I approve this message!"

"Yes, so you better still be reading. Because even though this isn't related whatsoever to the plot of this story, it was still funny to me. When it came out the first time anyways. Okay, I will stop using quotation now!" And thus the author stopped using quotation to spin his little tale of misfit and misfortune… sorta.

During one of those wild nights while the author was scheming with his most trusted co-creative-conspirator, this dastardly duo was conversing upon how Nasu and his evil plan to take over the world was inadequate without an Archer/Rin Route.

I mean, c'mon! Everyone wants an Archer/Rin route. It was the biggest mistake in this illusion we call a reality for Shiro to end up with Rin! Neither the author nor Yuurei-san could accept this vile veneer.

Then at that fated hour, while discussing this heated issue of an Archer/Rin pairing that has lasted since the dawn of Unlimited Blade Works. The author spoke those legendary words, "That's why someone needs to repair it, by re-pairing it." And then after a brief pause of silence. "Repair… re-pair, hey, I made a funny!"

Yes… all that for a pun. I can hear you giggling already.

**-Intermission out-**

"Command to all squads, the escapees are on the move and currently located at level 2. The escapee's objective is most likely the foyer where the ceremony is taking place. At all cost, we must prevent the escapees from entering the foyer, over."

"Copy, this is Echo team, escapees spotted. We—aaargh!!" Blast of static and explosion interrupted the comm. feed.

"Echo team, come in!"

"This is Delta, escapee has breached the perimeter. Unable to stop the escapee—," Another explosion blasted the radio with static, "Oh no, Oh God—" The radio went silent.

"Delta, Delta, come in!!"

"This is Charlie, contact, we got heavy contact! What the hell are these escapees?!"

"This team Bravo heading over to Charlie's position."

"God, get over here Bravo, we're getting murdered!"

"This is command. Charlie; give us a sit rep, over."

"This is madness. It's Fubar! (Fucked up beyond all recognition) Swords are flying everywhere! He's a damn monster! And that girl, she's… shooting these things out of her finger. I don't know what the hell's going on. (Explosion) Little Mitch, No-o-o-o, you escapee bastards!" The angry soldier screamed defiantly but was silenced in the next second.

"Charlie, come in, Charlie! Bravo, get over to Charlie ASAP!"

"Wilco, we just need to turn the next corner and—Aaargh!!"

An explosion rocked the castle interiors. The final task force guarding the last barrier trembled. Dust fell like snow from the ceiling fixtures. Each soldier tightened their grasp on their weapons, a cold sweat crawling down their necks.

With a heart stopping boom, the thick doors shuddered, dust knocked out from its crevices. The remaining soldiers huddled together in fear as the door was rammed with inhumane force. But the door seemed to hold in place. A sense of relief began fill the soldiers hearts until a high pitch shriek cried out from the doors.

Where the large double doors held its place, sparks blazed as something was eating through the hinges. The shrill grind of metal against metal tore at the guards' eardrums, and the hall was met with silence again. The great doors creaked and fell with a loud thump, whipping up the ridiculous amount of dust that gathered in the small room.

Raising their rifles, the frightened guards tried to control their trembling hands. Placing their aim on a pair of figures hidden behind the curtain of dust, one let out a high-pitched scream and fired blindly into the smoke with his submachine gun, his comrades also firing away in their adrenaline induced fear.

Archer didn't flinch since the bullets didn't even come near him or his Master. Every piece of metal that came was easily blocked by an invisible shield. Small sparks flew where each projectile was deflected, and Archer approached them, only fueling their terror.

As the guns soon clicked empty, the dumbstruck guards could only look in fear when floating swords appeared. First there were five, then ten, then twenty, then forty… all floating in front of Archer like a broad shield. With a flick of his wrist all of his bladed weapons were pointed at the dread ridden soldiers. One by one, each soldier passed out, foaming at the mouth, unable to cope with the pressure.

"Eh… you probably went a little overboard on those guys." Rin dusted her skirt.

"Not a problem, I used the back of my blades. They should all be still alive, and you didn't seem to hold back with your Gandr shot either." Archer waved, "But more importantly, we have a wedding to stop, don't we?" and gave the last door the boot.

"Whoa…" Rin and Archer stood atop the last well of grand stairs and stared into the sea of people. It would take almost an hour to count all the people fitted into the entrance hall, but then again, Einzbern is a family that's been around for over a millennium so they're bound to have a large family.

"As expected, you plowed through our security like it was nothing." Acht said from the base of the alter.

"You know your staff probably doesn't get paid enough to do this job." Rin joked.

"Hah! You're probably right Ms. Tosaka, but that's hardly the issue now."

"That's right! Couldn't you have waited just two more minutes? Why is everybody trying to get in the way?" Ilya ranted while stomping her feet.

"Well isn't that obvious? It's simple, because you aren't the main heroine!" Rin jabbed a finger, and Ilya stumbled back in shock as if she took a physical blow.

Her face bleeding red from anger, Ilya screamed, "Don't get so bigheaded! I am too a main character! I'm listed just below Archer in the wikipedia page for Fate/Stay Night!" and even had laptop with the disputed page, courtesy of Leysritt and Sella's quick response.

"Do we have to talk about the ero-scene issue again? Because by all means, I'd win the moment we step further into this topic, Ms. Fifth Place." Rin flashed a grin as an ominous aura permeated like a plague from Archer's being; however, another aura matched Archer's intensity. Berserker growled at the white haired Servant, both men vying for psychological dominance.

"Shut up, that was only the first poll! And you seem to have forgotten that my Berserker still has God hand! I doubt your servant can extinguish all of Berserker's twelve lives with his Noble Phantasm." Ilya sneered.

Rin clucked her tongue. It's true that Archer may be able to easily take out half of Berserker's lives, but doing the whole job single handedly would be a problem. Not to mention, Ilya also had two talented homunculi maids, and that pervy Head of Einzbern, Acht, more than enough to distract Archer's attention.

"Rin, you are starting to disappoint me." Archer sighed, "A talented magus such as yourself would not let this simple problem put you down right? And besides, this isn't the worst you've faced compared to the past." Archer's sly bit of assurance was awarded by a smile from Rin.

"Hm, you have a point. And as a true magus, I have an obligation to give it my best shot, don't I?" Raising one arm, Rin's hand begins to glow brightly like a miniature sun. A bead of ether changed meticulously, and Archer cradled the clump of ether in his palm also.

"The ancient weapon created by the old man to control the 2nd magic…" Rin's grin grew wider.

"What?! It can't be!" Acht screamed. It was too late to stop the process. With Rin's guidance and Archer's unparalleled tracing capability, a weapon that could even take down a god was about to be reborn.

"Jewel—"

"Rin-sama! Oh, this is odd!" A brightly decorated stick with gaudy wings spoke, "For the strangest reason, I am having this nagging sense of déjà vu, like I have crossed through an infinite amount of dimensions to be reclaimed by your rightful hands!"

Rin stared at the magical artifact, then at the gaudy looking magical girl dress she was suddenly wearing, and finally turned to Archer, who replied, "Better late then never," and had his faced smashed in.

"What do you mean better late then never?!" Rin was ready to beat her Servant half to death.

"It's not my fault. The stupid author made that dumb promise about bringing Ruby in, remember?" And sure enough, back in Chapter 8 of Season's Road, the weird attempt at extras did mention the plan of further embarrassing Rin at her expense. (Don't be shy, I know you went and checked)

"No-o-o-o! What about the transformation?!" Acht screamed out of nowhere.

"Huh? Transformation?" Ilya asked.

"Don't you watch Shoujo anime?! When the girl's clothes magically disappear and she's naked for almost 10 seconds? It's almost good as porn!" And Acht was silenced by Ilya, using Leysritt's halberd, though it was hard to tell whether Acht was hurt or the poor halberd as a bit of smoke rose from the point of impact.

"Still, even with that silly looking stick, it's no match for Berserker!" And with that, the ashen skinned Servant jumped into the air, ready to strike Rin from above.

However, the 'silly' looking stick happened to overhear Ilya's little rant and replied, "Lovely Death Geyser!" A fountain of water swallowed Berserker out of midair and tossed him around like he was in an oversized washing machine.

Outside, the front door was shooting jets of water from its growing cracks. Soon the overwhelming pressure blew the giant double doors wide open, a tidal wave of water gushed out like the Hoover Dam. The wedding invitees and berserker were sprawled unconscious outside. Ilya and the others were safe thanks to Leysritt and Sella constructing protective barrier at the nick of time.

"How do you like that for a 'silly' looking stick?" The magical stick Ruby steamed but was struck to the ground, creating a small crater. "R-Rin-sama, what was that for?"

"Don't go manipulating my body without permission! Do you know how embarrassing it was to say that?!" Rin blew fire out of her mouth.

"I thought it was rather cute." Archer opined and had his face smashed in again.

While Rin was fighting with her newly acquired mystic code, Ilya was in utter shock. Though her Servant was still alive, that magical artifact immobilized Berserker with a single attack. Ilya's lip began to quiver, the thought of losing her big brother about to make her cry.

"The show's not over yet!" Acht shouted and gave his granddaughter a reassuring hug. Amazing how this old man recovered so quickly. "I, as a Lord of Einzbern, am always prepared for the worst case scenario. Come princess of darkness!" Acht sounded like he was reciting a script from a cheesy Maho-Shoujo anime.

At his feet, Acht's shadow began to Acht strangely. The shadow began to expand and pool enormously. And from it, something was coming up. It looked like someone's head completely covered by a black shroud. And around this mysterious figure, snake like belts quivered with menacing red stripes.

"Nee-san." Shiro recognized this voice. Out of the blackened shroud, Sakura's face first appeared then the rest of her body, clothed in a flowing black dress with red pinstripes.

"Saku—"

"Sakura!" Rin interrupted Shiro, reducing his importance even further in this chapter. "Thank god you're here. Let's take that idiot and get out of here already."

A giggle that sounded almost too innocent, Sakura stared up to her stunned sister and said, "Go where Nee-san? I'm going to stay here, with senpai."

"What?!" Ilya screamed.

"No worry, no worry, Ilya-tan, everything is under control." Acht said with a thumb-up, "It seems that girl is infatuated with the Japanese boy as well, so I struck a deal saying that she can marry him too after this wedding. Who knew she had such magnificent power."

"You… did… what?" Ilya petite form trembled, while Acht stared at his granddaughter strangely, wondering what could be wrong. "You're going to let… my onii-chan… marry her, too?"

"It's not a problem. Polygamy is common in aristocracy." And Acht laughed.

"That is the problem you womanizing old scum!!" All of Ilya's magic circuits were on fire as a pure mass of ether swelled above her head. Before Acht could reply, Ilya smashed the massive ball of inferno onto the Einzbern Lord. After the explosion, Ilya groaned as the dust settled. She had all the intentions to kill him, but the old man was still alive in the crater Ilya just created. The Einzbern Lord was built like a cockroach Ilya thought.

"Do you know what the hell you're doing Sakura?!" Rin argued while dodging her little sister's attack.

"Of course Nee-san, I'm finally going to have senpai." Sakura replied, summoning more of her shadow familiars.

"What's wrong Rin-sama? Why aren't you attacking?" Ruby complained.

"Shut up! I'd rather die then do one of those embarrassing attacks of yours!"

"This isn't the time to get flustered over such a small thing. You're other dimensional-selves didn't seem to have a problem after witnessing my exotic attack power!"

"There's nothing exotic about it, and there's no way in hell that I'm going to reduce the Tosaka name in this kind of shameful manner!" Though Rin said this with conviction, there was no chance of victory if she couldn't counterattack.

Ruby let out a disappointing sigh and said, "I guess I have no choice then Rin-sama."

"Huh?" Rin suddenly stopped and took a brave stance against Sakura's shadows. "What's going on? Why can't I move?!"

"Forgive me Rin-sama, but if I let this continue, you will be a disgrace to all magical girls everywhere."

"Who cares? I never wanted to be one in the first place!"

"So with a heavy heart…"

"Listen to me you shitty stick!"

"I will guide you to victory, Rin-sama!"

"Stop it, you're manipulating me! No count, this doesn't count!"

"Ultra…" Under Ruby's control, Rin began to chant a spell, twirling Ruby one too many times and striking a very humiliating pose. Rin drawled out, "Harmony Obliteration!!" Beams of light shot forth from Ruby and twisted like snakes in the air.

Ultra Harmony Obliteration uses a condensed form of ether to create multiple snake-like projectiles. Each projectile acts independently of each other, obliterating anything classified as a target. Though it looks like the attack is a stream of light, in actually, it's only a small orb of ether the size of a marble. The tails will try to cut through anything because of its massive release of kinetic and incendiary energies, resulting in the wild flailing motion of the tail.

"Or something like that." Ruby explained.

"I don't want to hear your explanation! Stop using my body!" Rin seethed.

While Rin and Ruby were arguing, UHO was eating Sakura's shadow giant like kids going for after dinner dessert. However, Sakura remained calm despite her last familiar falling at her feet.

"Why Nee-san, why are you interfering with my happiness?" Sakura's whisper was barely audible. "Why won't Nee-san just go away?!" Sakura's aura suddenly exploded, a fearsome pressure attacking everyone's psyche.

"Oh-ho? This is bad. It seems like something is controlling Rin-sama's little sister." Ruby opined.

"What? Sakura's under control, too?"

"If we don't stop Rin-sama's little sister, a prolonged battle might result in damages at a dimensional level!"

"How bad is that?"

"Really bad! We're talking at a dimensional level, Rin-sama! We don't have time to spare. We're going to use the 'ultimate attack'!"

"Wait, what?! Use someone else! I don't want to do this!" Rin cried.

"You have no choice, Rin-sama! You have responsibility as an older sister!" But before Rin could begin her magical stick twirling, a pale figure with lustful eyes appeared in Rin's face. Ruby immediately created some space between its master and the strange new opponent.

"What's wrong Rin? Are you afraid of me?"

It took her a moment to realize, "Archer?" Rin gasped seeing the once tanned, gallant figure now almost pale as fallen snow and clad in jet black armor.

"Bad to worse! When did little-sister-sama nab Rin-sama's partner? … Um… Rin-sama?"

"Huh, yes, what?" Rin seemed to have snapped out of a daze.

"… Rin-sama, what were you thinking?" Ruby asked suspiciously.

"N-nothing, we just need to beat the crap out of him for being so weak, right? Abandoning me like this! Yes, that's right!" Rin said with a little too much enthusiasm.

"I see, in any case… Rin-sama! Why are you blushing?!"

"Huh? No I'm not. It's just a little hot that's all. This costume doesn't ventilate you know." Rin fanned herself.

"Face it Rin, you want me." Archer suddenly grabbed Rin around her waist, pulling her close so she couldn't escape. Cupping one side of her face, Archer was just about to steal kiss, but Ruby smashed Archer's face in before dragging Rin to safety.

"Why the hell did you go and do that?"

"A-ha, so you were falling for his shady charms!" Ruby caught Rin red-handed.

"N-n-no I wasn't! I-I-I was just…" Rin took another peek glance at Archer's new 'dark' form and resisted the strong urge to swoon.

"How dare you tempt my Rin-sama's pure maiden heart, you devil!" Ruby steamed, though the purity of Rin's heart is more or less… questionable. "For this grave sin among sins, I will wipe your treachery clean from this universe!" Ruby hummed with ever increasing power.

A strange remix of a 90's synthesizer music coming on, Ruby was spun expertly about fifty times before Rin/Ruby finally said, "**Starlight**," and rainbow beams of light flashed out, inducing seizures upon the readers if any actual video footage was ever possibly made. "**Megiddo**," Tossing Ruby high into the air, Rin strikes another random pose before Ruby lands neatly in her hand and spins it some more.

"**Therapy**," Striking her final pose, Ruby changed to an even gaudier, elaborate form, with oversized gemstones and feathers. With Ruby's ultimate form over Rin's head, Sakura let out a prolonged scream as she summoned as many of her shadow familiars with Dark Archer leading them at the head. "**Devastation!!**" With Ruby at the apex of the attack, millions of rainbow colored beams perforated everything within sight into Swiss cheese then to oblivion.

The flash of light reached higher than heaven, almost blinding Iris, who was watching through the Walther 2000 soap—I mean—scope. Iris tried futility to rub the stars out of her eyes.

"What is it? What's going on?" Kiritsugu slipped past Iris and grabbed his gun; however, his goddess of a wife was on top of him in a heartbeat. While the two love birds engaged in an odd yet kinky display of wrestling over the sniper scope, Iris heard a familiar click, that familiar click when the safety is turned off.

"Darling," Iris pulled on Kiritsugu's neck tie, remembering her husband's old habit of switching the safety on whenever he's about to shoot seriously. "There would be no reason for you to load your rifle, correct?"

"What? No… of course not. Why would I ever do that?" Kiritsugu said while secretly trying to extract the bullet from the bore.

"You're doing it again! I don't like it when you hide things from me!" Iris tried to wrestle the gun away from Kiritsugu. "Why would you try to kill your own son?"

"It's step-son, and I'm not trying to kill him! I, uh… was sending a message."

"With a bullet?!"

"It's the fastest way!"

"Stop lying to me!" And this skirmish went on back and forth, on the floor, rolling on top of each other, neither husband nor wife was ready to give up the rifle.

And back on earth, as the miniature sun dissipated from Ruby's ultimate attack. Rin slowly opened her eyes, expecting to see the entire castle in ruins, but nothing. There was no structural damage after all that dancing and prancing light show.

"What the hell kind of 'ultimate' attack was that?" Rin strangled Ruby, uh, tried to.

"R-Rin-sama, don't you know original purpose of magical girls? When the forces of evil try to take over the world, they infect innocent bystanders or support characters, and it's the magical girl's duty to release her friends from the clutches of evil." Ruby explained.

"Which means," Rin turned to where Sakura and Archer were. Running to her little sister, Rin noticed a very weak trace of the shadow still inside Sakura's body.

"Ho-ho, it seems like Rin-sama sister's life force is connected to that strange shadow. A rather troublesome thing this turned out to be." Ruby hummed.

"So it seems, but it would have been bad if Sakura didn't have her shadow form. We would have lost a bunch of joke options." Rin said, hinting to the author to start using Sakura more as a source for humor.

"Rin…" Archer dragged himself to Rin's side. He was a complete mess. His clothes torn apart, exposing his Gar-ness.

"A-Archer!" Catching the tattered Servant, Rin barely held him up and blushed prettily. It felt awkward, but she kind of liked, having him in her arms. But Rin's happiness was rudely interrupted when a certain hand went further south than it should have.

"Come on, give it a little squeeze." Another voice said from behind. Staring up behind her, the Einzbern Lord Acht gazed up into up-skirt heaven with red veined eyes.

Feeling a small ounce of pressure on her gluteus-maximus, Rin pulled Archer's arm and shoulder tossed him onto the Einzbern Lord with all the strength in her body.

"Wait, Rin, it wasn't me. Something's controlling me!" Archer pleaded, his eyes flashing between black and white, but Rin wasn't in a listening mood. The magical girl was overwhelmed in silent fury.

"Ruby, you said it was a magical girl's duty to rid of this world of evil, correct?" Rin said very calmly.

"Y-yes, you are correct." Ruby sounded nervous.

"But don't you think your methods are a little… outdated?"

The background flashed with lightning as Ruby heard this outrageous statement. "How could you say that, Rin-sama?!"

"Because you're weak and naïve!" Rin made Ruby shrink in shame. "Such soft and benevolent methods would never work in this world. Yes… what we need is power that would wipe out their very existence!" Rin began to laugh maniacally. She seemed to have lost it as Ruby was emitting even more power from the previous attack.

"I'll dye this world in strawberry blood!"

"Stop her!" Ilya screamed. Sella and Leysritt jumped on Rin, trying to stop her from unleashing hell on earth.

And while all this madness continued, Shiro stood at the altar, clueless as to what the relevance of this chapter was anymore. The priest was still spouting off, his words not important anymore.

"Saber, where are you?" Shiro whispered.

Bang, a crack of thunder echoed from heaven. As the Walther 2000 sniper rifle's barrel emitted a wisp of smoke. Iris and Kiritsugu huffed and wheezed as they stared each other down. But less then a second later, Iris jumped onto her hubby, madly kissing him like she was trying to eat his face.

And while the lovely couple tried to suffocate one another, the 'magic' bullet descended to earth like a meteorite. The bullet's body began to glow like a bloody fang as it approached its target. However, a couple of things got in its way and had to make quick last minute changes.

Smashing through some country's spy satellite, the magic bullet altered its course away from Africa and corrected itself onto Europe, but its journey had only just begun.

Blasting its way through the stratosphere, it clocked Big Ben in England and used the national landmark as a springboard to fly towards France, where it ricocheted around the Eiffel Tower before it sprung loose towards Italy and ran a lap around the coliseum before it sling-shotted itself towards Germany.

Then as it was carving a path through the German evergreens, Berserker happened to have recovered from his fainting spell only to have the wayward bullet strike him in the back of the head, effectively knocking him out again and deflecting the 'big brother' into the Einzbern clock tower, striking six enormous bells in a melodic sequence.

With a final strike, the bullet now carved holes almost four feet in diameter all around the Einzbern Castle and struck Ruby—for better or worse—who unleashed a torrent of energy harmlessly into outer space. From a full planetary view, the blast looked like dancing particles before it charged up into an infernal pillar of light sticking out of the earth.

With its final destination in sight, the magic bullet screamed towards its target, Emiya Shiro. Time slowed as the bullet's subsonic force sent subtle ripples in the air. Shiro could see the bullet slowly come to him and his life flashing before his eyes.

'Was this the end?' He thought. Closing his eyes, Shiro let it be and waited for that sleek piece of metal to strike his skull, but a different sound struck his ears. A loud ping pierced the Shiro's ears as a blonde haired angel descended from above. The holy blade, Excalibur, sliced the bullet in half, and the two cut pieces of metal created its final two feet diameter holes in the Einzbern Estate.

Landing on his rear, Shiro found himself in a very similar position as he looked up to his savior. Saber looked radiant as ever while the setting sun glared through the many holes in the castle.

"Shiro!" Saber's raised voice shook him out of his reverie. "I understand what I must do now. As Rin told me not too long ago, recognizing the mistake is only the first step, but the second step is the most important of all. One must have the courage to correct that mistake. A-a-and that is why… Shiro, I'm sorry!"

Shiro blinked, completely at a loss of words and trying to figure out what was going on.

"I abandoned my master, whom I've sworn to protect, and there's no possible way you could possibly forgive someone like that, but if you could. I… I want to stay by Shiro's side. I'll grow stronger so I—" Saber began to lose her composure as she fumbled with her words, "s-s-so, please, forgive me," and bowed her head.

"Saber," Shiro whispered then smiled. "I do."

"Eh?" Now it was Saber's turn to blink in surprise, ignoring a certain priest rambling on. "Just like that?"

"Yep, I forgive you, but uh…" Shiro scratched his head, "I think I should apologize, too, since I pulled everyone into this complicated story."

"There's no need to apologize, Shiro." Saber said while Rin and Archer growled

"Well, I suppose we should head home now. You feel hungry Saber?"

With a genuine smile on her face, Saber replied, "Mm, I do."

"And now I pronounce you, husband and wife." The priest proclaimed.

"Eh?" Shiro and Saber.

"Eh?" Rin and Archer.

"Eh?" Ilya and Acht.

And everyone, all together now, "E-e-e-e-e-eh?!"

**-One week later, Emiya House-**

_-Epilogue-_

And so that was how the skirmish at Einzbern Castle came to a sudden climatic (or anti-climatic) end. Stretching her stiff muscles, Rider let out a strained moaned before pausing the DVD player.

"Is this the right portion, Sakura?" Saber asked, working devotedly in the kitchen.

"Just a little more, Saber-san." Sakura replied, teaching the servant the know how's of the kitchen.

After the wedding incident, Saber suddenly had a new fire in her eyes as she readily took up more responsibilities in the house. The house has never looked better since Saber literally became the new mistress.

"The pot's boiling over! Quick, turn the stove off!"

But the kitchen seemed more like a gauntlet to the once chosen King of Knights. It was funny how it all started. Saber humbly requested Sakura to teach her how to cook. There was a hidden veil of cynicism when Sakura gladly complied.

Rider assumed Sakura was going to give Saber all the wrong instructions, but her plans soon backfired when she found out that Shiro was going to be the one eating the food. Like Sakura could ever prepare poorly cooked food for her senpai. And so poor Sakura was now molding Saber into the perfect housewife—

"Sakura… I think the oven's burning."

—or trying…

"Afternoon, Rider-san," Shiro greeted, "Did you order a DVD?"

"No, this is actually a DVD of the wedding a week ago, see?" Rider grabbed the remote and began skimming through the scene selections. "That Einzbern Lord sent us a copy."

"Is that when Tosaka was…" Shiro covered his mouth.

"Yeah, I got it all on camera." Rider couldn't stifle her giggles.

"Wait, you filmed the entire thing?"

"Where do you think I've been that entire time?"

Shiro tried to reply but was stunned when he saw Rin striking a very humiliating pose. Apparently someone added some special effects, most notably the neon hearts and stars. "Does Tosaka know about this?"

"It's best she doesn't know that there's already over hundreds and thousands of copies."

"… … …"

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**-Part 'C' Complete-**

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**Author's note:**

Oh hell… freakin' (insert explicit word), I'm finally finished!! Yaaaa-raaa-raaaargh!! (makes more strange noises… and some more.)

… … I don't know what else to say. I'm burned out. Keep reading below or you'll regret it. 6/25/2008

**Footnotes:**

**Rin's Special CG** – I do not and will not talk about this. You do not understand how I was anticipating this but was completely disappointed. (Makes angry noises) Only saving grace is Realta Nue.

**Wooden Horse** – It's in a special category in the adult section. It's weird, but a good joke to use on some occasions… if you're into that.

**Twin items legend** – This was based off of Archer's Kansho and Bakuya, where twin items will always return to each other. Look it up for better detail.

**Walther WA 2000** – This awesome sniper rifle for the eternal badass is a 'bullpup' rifle designed as a specialized police sniper rifle. Shorter than the average sniper rifle yet still utilizing the same barrel length, this is a perfect weapon for the elite of Assassins, costing a whopping 75,000 to 80,000 due to its rarity today.

**Ms. Fifth Place** – The first character poll done by Type-moon resulted with Ilya in 5th place, though I kind of feel worse about Sakura's ranking… (Whisper6thcough)

**Maho-Shoujo** – Mostly referring to the classic magical girls back in the day like "Sailor Moon" for example a great example. Yes, I've watched it, and you've watched it, too… depending on which generation one was born in.

**Maho-Shoujo transformation** – Clothes disappear and lots of light and glimmer as small pieces of clothing suddenly appear from nowhere, slowly covering them up from the nude… who the hell came up with this?

**Ruby** – From "Fate Hollow Ataraxia", Ruby is the 'other' magical artifact left by Zelrecht. A lot of inspiration thanks to Kalmia's "Last Battler" for this fic.

**Ruby's attacks **– Mostly Kalmia inspired with some Sailor Moon parody.

**Dark Archer** – You can thank Yuurei-san for Archer's new alter-ego. Expect to see him in some future projects. (Devilish laugh)

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**-Alternate Ending-**

In a dank corner of the room, Ilya paced with agitation. The wedding was a flop, her grandpa was still alive, and this final contingency plan is all that she has left. Just a little more time, a little more time was all Ilya needed, and then the door opened revealing Leysritt.

"Did they leave finally?" Ilya asked without a seconds waste.

"Yes, they have just taken off from the airstrip." Leysritt replied. Rushing to the nearest window, Ilya watched a metal bird recede towards the horizon.

"Good, finally some peace and quiet." Ilya sighed then suddenly tried to hide her giggles.

"They would find out eventually would they not, milady?"

"Don't worry, by that time onii-chan will be mine, forever." Ilya reached into her dresser and pulled out a strange looking doll resembling Shiro. "Right, onii-chan?"

**-Bad End-**


	4. Extra

**-Special Extra-**

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**Warning: This has almost no relevance to the main story whatsoever since this is the author just goofing around, yet again. Enjoy.**

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"Congratulations!" Everyone cheered as they celebrated the end to 'Einzbern Wedding Panic'. Party poppers going off and confetti flying in the air, the celebration was heading to a great start. But amongst the hullabaloo, a secret agenda was playing forth, unseen to the innocent bystander's eyes.

"Excuse me, Leysritt-san, Sella-san. Have you seen that silly author?" Rin asked the maids.

The maids looked passed Rin and saw the author hiding under a table. His index finger to his lips, he shook his head furiously as cold sweat dropped like bullets from his head.

"Um, I'm afraid I haven't. Maybe he's at the buffet table?" Leysritt said, trying not to laugh; however, this was not the 'secret agenda' we're talking about. In order to fill in every detail, we need to rewind back about 30 minutes before the party.

In a dark basement at an undisclosed location, a secret meeting was taking place with a secret purpose. A small figure, barely a foot tall, walked through narrow corridors and found his destination. Knocking on the door, a feminine voice asked for a name.

"Ciao-su!" The tiny figure replied with a cute voice.

"Oh! It's you! Come right in!" The door was immediately unlocked, and inside, the room was filled with dangerous looking folks. Some very infamous people stood out. For example, at a make shift bar area, the vicious Gung-Ho Guns disassembled and reassembled their respective weapons, fine tuning their tools of death and destruction.

Another group, this one made of swordsman well known as the Juppongatana—the Ten Swords—proudly stood in the middle of the room with unshakable poise. Juppongatana's presence was felt heavily amongst the smaller Assassins.

But males weren't the only ones present in the room. A triplet of ladies was enjoying themselves with wine, but not a single man came near the goddesses. Who would when one was a member of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, Black Mamba, and the other two were the infamous female Assassins under the code name 'Noir".

"A lot of big faces around here." The small figure from earlier opined while mulling over the crowd.

"That's a strange thing to say when your part of them, Mr. Reborn." An old gentleman laughed.

"Oh… you are… Lord Downey." Reborn recognized the gentleman. "What's the Headmaster of Anhk-Morpork Assassins' Guild doing in a place like this?"

"Well a gentleman cannot simply refuse a request from a lady now would he?" Lord Downey said while raising his top hat. "Besides, I'm not here to do a job. I've brought some apprentices from the guild that could use some practice, so I'm trying to stay out of sight. What brings you here, young Reborn?"

"Same reason as you." Reborn replied and noticed a pair of strangers in power suits clamoring into the room. "Is that Jango and Boba Fett?"

But before Reborn could confirm the two new additions to this Assassin's convention, the earlier feminine voice began to rally everyone's attention from her improvised podium.

"Okay, okay, thank you all for coming here. No, I really want to thank you all for coming here. I'm a big fan, love you!" The 'Client' was in her own little world.

"Can we skip the intro and get to business?" A nameless Assassin said impatiently—a hint of jealousy.

"Yes-yes, as you all know, the target is this abomination!" The Client pressed a button, activating a projector, which displayed Emiya Shiro. There was a brief passage of silence before a string of questions was let loose.

"Is he a skilled gunslinger?" Midvalley the Hornfreak of the Gung-Ho Guns asked while playing with his saxophone, Sylvia.

"No."

"Is he skilled swordsman?" Seta Soujiro of Juppongatana asked with his trademark smile.

"Sorta, but not really."

"Has he betrayed anybody?" Black Mamba asked with a slight hint of venom in her words.

"No, but he might someday!"

"Is there any connection to _Les Soldats_?" Mirielle asked promptly.

"Le-who?"

"He looks rather weak." Reborn said bluntly.

"Yup, he really is weak." The Client said, and in a heart beat, the secret Assassin's convention was empty. "W-wait, I got a reward and everything ready! I think I have around 10,000 in that special account and… and I'll throw in a Hisui-sama moe-moe towel! You can't resist the towel!"

The only ones remaining were Lord Downey and Hitman Reborn, who were a little stunned.

"Wait, I got it. How about a James Bond DVD set?"

"I already have the entire collection." Reborn opined.

"No-o-o-o!" The Clientele fell to her knees and cried. "This can't be happening. Please, Reborn, Lord Downey?" Sadly, only a small note was left with the words written, 'Ciao-su.'

With a strange wind blowing that should be non-existent in the basement, the client, better known as Yuurei-san, fell onto her back. All that saving and cutting corners on the bills for the sole satisfaction of acquiring a Shiro-free world, yet not one person would take the job.

"Um… hello?" Someone knocked on the door. "Yuurei-san, are you there?"

"Eh, Shou, is that you?" Yuurei-san replied.

"The party is about to start Yuurei-san. Sensei asked me to come find you."

"Wait! You're kind of an assassin, aren't you?!" Yuurei-san suddenly grabbed Shou by the collar.

"Well, according to my bio, I have some experience in assassination, yes." Allow me to explain. Shou is an original character developed by the author for another attempt at a serious Fate fan-fiction. Further info will be available at the end.

"Great, this will do just fine." There was a flicker of insanity in Yuurei-san's eyes. "Now I got this job for you, you see? This guy, right here," a picture of a red-headed male is shown, "I need him out of the picture, sleeping with the fishes, ashes to ashes, you understand where I'm going, Shou-chan?"

"Uh… yeah." Shou tried to sneak away, but Yuurei-san pulled him back.

"Don't worry. I'm not asking you to do this for free or anything. See, I got lots of money."

"No, I shouldn't take money from sensei's friend."

"I got it. You want this towel, right? Though it breaks me to tears… I… I… I'm willing to give Hisui-sama away. It's for a greater cause!"

"I, uh, appreciate the thought, but you can keep the towel if you really like it that much."

"Are you refusing Hisui-sama?!" Yuurei-san's eyes flashed menacingly.

"NO! I mean, I'll… do the job as a favor!" Shou slapped himself after letting his mouth run off by itself, and then a growing sound of laughter made a chill run down his spine.

"I shall be indebted to you for life." Yuurei-san patted Shou on the back… all the way topside till they parted right when the party poppers went off.

Shou ignored the strands of confetti atop his head as more worrisome thoughts like, 'I'm in deep shit, real deep horse shit,' repeated endlessly. And it just so happens the 'target' passed by him, inches from him, a large lump formed inside Shou's throat before he finally swallowed.

"Shou!"

"I didn't do it! I'm not trying to kill him!" Shou shouted aloud without thinking. The party fell silent for a moment, everyone staring at Shou and the author who found him.

Dragging him away from the center of attention, the author asked, "You mind explaining what that was about?"

"Huh? What are we talking about?" Shou tilted his head.

"Okay, you're acting a little funny... make that a lot."

"Yeah, just a little excited since this is my first time meeting everybody and... I accidentally accepted an assassination request."

"Oh, is that all—wait—rewind, you did what?!"

"You don't understand, she was scaring me!" But before Shou could further explain, the author threw him under a table and dived headlong in as well.

"Excuse me, Leysritt-san, Sella-san. Have you seen that silly author?" Rin asked the maids.

Shou watched as the author had his index finger to his lip and shaking his head so hard that it might fall off.

"Um, I'm afraid I haven't. Maybe he's at the buffet table?" Leysritt said with an awkward smile.

After making sure the Goddess of Death (Rin) was at a safe distance away, the author refocused on the building climax. "When you said, she was scaring me. Did you mean Yuurei-san?"

"Yes."

"I shouldn't ask, but who's the target?"

"Red-head, looks like he's in high school, average build."

"Did she even tell you who he is?"

"No."

"You know he's the main character, right?"

"… Now I do." Shou's voice yelped in a high pitch.

"No worry, it's okay. I can fix this. We can fix this." The author tapped his head, trying to figure a way out of this mess.

"Too bad we can't just fake the assassination and get away with it." Shou muttered.

After a brief pause of silence, the author asked, "Shou, what are the best ways to fake an assassination?"

"There's a couple, like a blank sniper rifle bullet or the ketchup sauce trick and stuff. Why do you ask?"

"Cause we're going to need a lot of ketchup."

"Wha…?"

"Never mind, just follow me." The author pulled Shou to the floor, tied a bandana around his forehead, and wore an eye patch.

"Why are you wearing an eye patch?"

"Quiet, just call me Snake." At this point, the author has been playing way too much 'Metal Gear Solid 4'. Dragging Shou with him, the author stealthily sneaked under tables, avoiding Rin at all cost as he made his way to the target location.

"Ota-con, I can see him from here."

"Ota-who? Sensei, you've been playing too much video games again."

"Shush! Don't tell the readers that! They'll know I've been slacking off this entire time again!"

"But you just—"

"Shush! Now… what's the plan?"

"I thought you were the one with the plan!"

"Yeah, and I just thought maybe you might have a better plan, because you're the one whose better at this kind of stuff."

"We only have a bottle of ketchup!" Shou magically pulled a bottle of ketchup out of nowhere.

"I dunno, throw it at his head?" And for a minute, the author and Shou actually visualized the bottle of ketchup crack Shiro in the head and Yuurei-san thinking that he really died in a puddle of ketchup blood.

"No… it really wouldn't work… would it?" Shou wondered.

"Only one way to find out." The author stole the bottle.

"Wait!" Shou stopped him, "What if it doesn't work? I'll be taking the heat if this doesn't work!"

"Don't worry; I'm pretty good at hitting my mark believe it or not."

"No!" As Shou tried to stop the author from throwing the bottle of ketchup, the bottle slipped prematurely and careened off course. The bottle of ketchup whooshed in slow motion as it barely spun past Shiro's head. Back in real time, Shiro ducked from the scare and heard a nice sounding crack.

Turning to the main entrance, Berserker stood at the door, his face covered in red and bit pieces of glass. All was quiet until Berserker began to step forward and bumped into one of the many statuettes in the likeness of the Fate Cast.

This caused a domino effect as one statue knocked over another and finally came to the last, which happened to be Kiritsugu, which also happened to be next to Shiro, who also happened to be standing right where it was about to fall…

"Shiro…"

Emiya Shiro grumbled as he tried to rest.

"Shiro-kun…"

But the voices, it wouldn't go way. Emiya Shiro tossed and turned, trying to silence the voice.

"Emiya Shiro, wake up this instant!"

And Shiro jerked awake, massaging his ringing ears. Looking around, he found himself in a very strange place. There was something like a river nearby, and patches of mist lingering by.

"Um… who are you?" Shiro asked the beautiful woman.

"Shiro, don't you recognize your own step-mother? You did watch that video, remember?"

It took a moment for Shiro to remember, his head a little hazy after all. Taking a second, better glance around, a chilling realization began to settle in. "Am I… dead?"

"Of course, it's good that you've come clean with yourself, son." Kiritsugu popped out of nowhere, holding his son's hands gingerly before Iris clocked him in the back of the head with a silver bat.

Shiro stood in shock as Iris pulled Kiritsugu away in one hand and a bloody bat in the other. Hiding Kiritsugu's corpse (which is kind of funny since he was dead to begin with, sort of.), Iris returned with an innocent smile and said, "Shiro, it's not your time to go yet."

And as soon as Iris finished, Shiro felt an aching pain in his chest. His breath felt heavy and fell to his knees. His vision of Iris fading into darkness, Shiro like his chest was on fire.

"Come back to li-i-i-ife!"

And what do you know; Shiro's chest really was on fire. After the punch bowl doused the flames, Saber jumped on top of the redhead, who had briefly experienced the after life.

"What the hell are you doing?! He was dead, he was really dead!!" Yuurei-san strangled Shou by the collar.

"But-but if the main character is dead, I can't make my official debut!"

"… That is unfortunately true." Yuurei-san replied.

"And an interesting use of your ability Shou. Who knew you could use your electro-magnetic thaumaturgy as a defibrillator." The author said amazed.

"Yes… and it would have been better if you completely fried him till nothing was left!" Yuurei-san resumed the strangling.

"Sensei, where's my 'cool scene'?" Shou cried.

And while this senseless madness ensued, Berserker and his ketchup/glass torn face were being tended by Ilya, who asked, "Berserker, where have you been this entire time?"

".. ... ." Berserker said, but to better visualize Berserker's tale of misfortune, let us dive into more… finer details.

**-Einzbern Castle Doors, Night-**

In the cold of night, Berserker regained consciousness. In a flurry of memories, he remembered his swift defeat at the hands of Kaleido-Ruby. His master no where to be found, Berserker looked up into the full moon sky in despair.

A shooting star streaked across the endless blue, but it didn't disappear. In fact, Berserker could swear he could see it getting bigger. And in a fraction of a second, a fiery ball of metal crash landed where Berserker stood.

Dust and Debris thrown about everywhere, the smoke cleared, revealing a crater. Amongst the torn red hot metal, one of Berserker's legs stuck out, and a nearby metal panel with the words 'spy satellite' etched on the surface.

(For those that don't get it, go back to the 'magic bullet' in Part 'C'.)

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**End… I suppose.**

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**Author Notes:**

You do not want to know how long I've put this off, but there, I'm finished with this as well… finally. Too much Metal Gear Solid, too much sna-a-a-a-ake!! Anyways, hope I pulled a few more giggles out of you lovely readers since I've probably done enough Shiro-bashing to last me almost a lifetime.

It was fun while it lasted but off to other projects. And wouldn't you like to know? Well I got two in the works at this point. The first is something I said I would do for me buddy Yuurei-san, and if some people know her, you could very well guess what the next project is is all about.

Ciao, it was fun. See you in 3 months. smile Okay, maybe sooner…


End file.
